Stagnation, Masturbation, Conversation, Infactuation, Maturation, Adoration....Co-habitation

Well, it's official. C and I are moving in together. We "groped" the subject in passing about a week ago, and we discussed it in length yesterday. I am shocked by my very comfort in this. I cannot remember being so trusting in a man, or even his word. Especially his word. Our main issue to work around is keeping the cats inside, and Jake, the killer dog, outside.

We are going to view a house today next to my wise and ever-helpful friend, E. I stopped by the house yesterday to get a good look at it. It's cute. The house is creamy, and sided, with a walk out basement, and perhaps a sun porch in the front...The one thing it does not have is a garage for the Harley and lawn tools.

And, I must dish: I have debated as to whether or not to write this here, as it seems a violation of our intimacy. Yes, I have intimacy now...check that shit out! But, I have never even heard of anything like this before, and my archives do not seem to last anyway. He was playing with my hair the other night, and told me how much he loved me, and I was already the most important thing to him, and that..."every time we are together, it is amazing, and it leaves a landmark on my soul." (Sob and blubber here.)

Needless to say, I was stunned speechless. I should have said something amazing in return, and "I love you, baby" was all that fell out of my mouth. My mother said she wanted to slap me, that was all I could say? I know, I said, but how in the hell do you follow that?

Now, I did have one man tell me that I was fabulous and wonderful, yada yada yada, and that I "made him want to be a better man." Really? Because Helen Hunt made Jack Nicholson want to do the same thing in As Good As It Gets. What a coincidence!

I must go now, and drop off my daughter with her father. We are helping another couple move today, and then we shall view the house. I meet his parents early- tonight- they bumped it up. I call on Ganesh to remove any idiotic banter from my mouth!

So True:

The most recent Amyism to fall out of my mouth:

Going down on a man without swallowing is like golfing without clubs. You can call it whatever you want, but you are really not playing the game, are you?

"He's Great, But He's Not My Boy."

This was the line that continually fell out of my mouth when referring to C. I haven't gushed about him here, and I think it's time to tell that story considering all that has taken place, and what may come.
It all started a couple of months ago. My friend, A, had left her abusive husband (again) and moved in with some co-worker of hers at the bloodbank. So, this gentleman and I ended up almost arguing on the phone one day, and I realized that we had a couple of points of view in common. She ends up bringing him to The Grind to meet me- she thinks we will hit it off. Yeah, right. He's short. He had a Harley. Ummm......'Not so much'. So, this guy walks in and he is cute. Better than cute...wild animal blue eyes, and built like a brick shit house. Beyond that, not my type. He showed up on his Harley- this will not impress me!- and ugh...not my type! I am still ill at this point, and I am learning not to be so judgemental...so we talk anyway. He's never been to a coffeehouse before, he likes beer not martinis or wine, he likes baseball not football, he doesn't like sushi- A: What were you thinking?!?! Now, I can see this man is very intelligent. And this small frame is very toned and rock hard. I know he should have "Good Man" tattooed on his forhead, but the constant assistance he doles out to my friend whenever she is in the slightest need. ("Do you need that funrniture moved? Do you need a cell phone? Where are you stranded?" ) So, I ask him, what did you do today? Well, he played baseball and then went to the baseball game. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

A couple of weeks go by, and he wants to meet at The Grind again. Sure. I invite my housemate, and my brother. We play a few rounds of pool, and then go home. The search for compatible conversation was exhausting. A couple of days later, he asks me if I want to see the Matrix with him that night. I do not know why I am going, but I say yes. Could he pick me up? No, I will meet him at his place- it makes for an easier exit. He makes me a drink, and we again begin to blow through topics, searching for a common thread. He begins talking about moving, and his girlfriend choose this apartment...I ask, "Did your girlfriend move here from Indiana with you?" He replies, "Oh, no. She grew up in the same small town I grew up in." "Where is that?", I ask. "Oh, a little small town in IL- you have probably never heard of it. Litchfield.." My eyes grew wide..."OMG...you are THAT C. R.?!?!? I didn't even place the name." He thinks I am kidding. We grew up in the same small town. Over half of my life, I have lived within 5 miles of this man. He went to high school with my brother, remembers him, we have common friends, etc. This is definately too fucking odd.

And that's all it took. A few days later, I met him for coffee around 9 (just after a dinner date at six) I saw him as I approached, and I realized I had missed him a little. It was so good to be near him again.

He has my fabulously twisted sense of humor...but in a more stealth fashion. We are still opposites on the surface, but the chatter never stops. Underneath it all, we are very much alike. It's rather funny, actually. Out of all the men I have dated, after the two I have loved.....I find a man from Litchfield...where I began? Yes, I will have the double dose of irony with humble gratitude for dessert. I have never met a man that treats me so well, and so consistantly. Oh! There is one more thing we have in common. I always believed that the first kiss and the first romp were "handshake" activities. You have your style, and they have their style, and it can be a little bumpy at first, but eventually you find you find a style that's just yours. Not this time, baby. My bad. No; we are both crazy, coming out of our first passionate affair with a few scratches and bruises. He got mad skills!

If you cannot tell by now, I am madly in love with him. And here's the big thing- last night he brought up the idea of M and I moving in with him once I finds a house. This has to be between Aug 1 and Sep 30. This is fast. He said that we will discuss this once we are sans-M...that could be tonight. Within the next few days, I am sure it will come up. The kicker is, if we can work out the details- location, placement of pets, etc...I am going to do it. I think I am crazy, and I have dated for three years and NEVER considered this with anyone, but I am thinking hard about it now. He has three closest friends- I met one last weekend, I meet Doug and C's entire family over the fourth- Maddie and I are going to stay with him and his family for a huge party and fireworks at the lake- and I meet his other bestest buddy a couple of days later, when we go to Indiana. This man means business. I am taking him with Maddie and I to the entire family reunion on Saturday. I haven't taken anyone to meet my family in over six years! I think they all suspect I went gay. Heh.

Tonight, due to his new power and position within the company, we have been invited to a Wolfgang Puck event at the Science Center. Oh, how nice. I still joke with the boy that he's a hick, with his big truck, and domestic beer, and gun safe, and Harley, and his dog that eats cats....but he is a potent concoction of class and testosterone. God, help me....

Hey, You Guys!!!!!

Look at my beautiful Shiva! Thanks soooooooo much to S and K. I don't get to see S anymore, due to my job situation. I miss you! Blogger has obviously changed its format, and it takes some time to get used to it. Good luck.

I Don't Want To

-worry about my cat's ass

-get another job that I'll just end up hating

-lose this good man that I've got- damn, boy- where did you come from? shit!- i know the answer to that!

-end up taking a call that's interrupting an intimate conversation, only discover you are drunk and watching the golden girls, and to be asked if i will have a threesome with you and your boyfriend

-worry about my own ass

I Do Want To

-finish school
-say "i love you"
-lay in the sun
-relax
-make chai

Just Jackin' Around

1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER? Matrix Reloaded- awesome Agent Smith fight scene!
2.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? I misplaced Memoirs of a Geisha
3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Trivial Pursuit
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Cosmo- and it smells good!
5. FAVORITE SMELLS? vanilla, musk, freshly cut grass, clean dirt, and a hard-working sweaty man
6. COMFORT FOODS? hot and sour soup
7. FAVORITE SOUNDS? the laughter of a child (especially mine)
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? impending doom
9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? what time is it? am i late?
10. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE? micky d's!
11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Let me see how badly it treats me in the womb before I decide
12. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "If I had alot of money I would....go to school for the next ten years."
14. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? no, three cats and a baby is enough for me
15. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY ? wickedly cool
16. DO YOU GO TO CLUBS? blues:definately, reggae: sometimes
17. FAVORITE DRINK? ketel one martini, dirty, straight-up, three olives...and could you stuff those with roquefort? thanks, you are my new best friend!
18. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "If I had the time I would...lay on my ass"
19. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI? florets only, please
20. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE? flaming red- the upkeep is horrendous
21. HOW MANY DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 2
22. GLASS HALF EMPTY OR FULL? depends on what i am swallowing, doesn't it?
23. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? football- americain
24. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? whatever my six year old is hiding there this week
26. PAPER TOWEL-OVER OR UNDER? under!
27. MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL? obnoxious morning person- a coke and nude dancing, please
28. OVER EASY, OR SUNNY SIDE UP? neither
29. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX? oyster bar, the grind
30. FAVORITE PIE? hmmmmmmmm....pie. blackberry, sweet potato, pumpkin....don't make me choose!

It's Official

I am unemployed and I am in love. The last ten days have flown by in a flurry. I have encountered and exited a hostile work environment, went on one hell of a bender, had another death in my family, had two interviews, and fallen in love. Whew. I am tired! Oh, and that dry spell is behind me as well! Heh. Now I just need to find a job or decide to remain unemployed, prepare for out of town guests, attend the Wolfgang Puck shindig, meet my boyfriend's entire family (I think this man means business), recapture the couple of hundred dollars my ex screwed me out of, and head out to Indiana. Breathe, Amy, Breathe!

It Was Beautiful and Horrific

We all went to the service for baby Q. No one wanted to go, no one wanted to face the grief full force. I will never forget the exquisite alter, and the sight of E, strong and beautiful- even on that day of all days. The sight of J, walking so tenderly, carrying his son to the alter. The pain he wore on his face made me want to gouge out my eyes, so I would never have to see anyone so ravaged by devestation. The service itself was beautiful...E bowing with such grace and J chanting from his very soul... We all chanted with them- in Chinese no less. How we actually managed such a thing, I will never know. How we also managed to form three growing and concentric circles as we all held hands and chanted..it must have been the very force of this child. It was by far the most beautiful service I have ever attended, as if one has the ability to rate the pleasure in a tragedy. "As tragedy and horror go, this was top-notch!" (?) The only other commentary I can make is this: never have I seen such grief, or such love. The compassion that we all showed one another hung in the air, almost smothering the oxygen right out of one's lungs. E, J...when you are ready...we are all waiting to see you smile again.

What Can Brown Do For You?

So, a few weeks ago, I stumbled upon a profile. My type of boy....well-pressed, good haircut, awesome sexy-specs, great legs. I did not respond. I had a major issue here, and I needed my brother to help me. For those of you that do not know my brother R, he is like an international buffet of dating. All colors, races, and creeds have an equal opportunity to rock his world for a night or two. I, on the other hand, while I am certainly not the bigot my father hoped to raise...I have never dated outside of my race- with the exception of two Asian men...This perfect gentleman on Match, is biracial...I am not going to respond to his ad because of this, yet I am not prejudiced....I love laughing at social differences between people, but deep down, we are all the same. So, my brother of course tells me to screw the fam, they will be dying off in a few years, but I have the rest of my life to think about. I respond to Mr. Mocha Latte- an no answer....for three weeks! I gave up, but at least I learned a lesson. I cannot allow anyone to hold me back from what I want to do. If I fell madly in love with someone that had brown skin- highly unlikely, due to my tastes- then I should walk away because my white-sheet family is uncomfortable?

The happy ending: martinis on Monday! I suggested the Oyster Bar (haven't been in forever) or possibly Eau...I will give a full report on Tuesday.

Sir, Please Step Away From the Prarie Dog...

My father, bless his little clogged and hardened heart, is the most fanatical racist I have ever seen. He actually told me that HIV came from a monkey (true), but that the (insert plural racial slur here) fucked the monkeys, thus passing on AIDS to the human population. Can you believe that? (freak) . Perhaps I misspoke and called the summer panic too early. Instead of the West Nile Virus, I fear the panic of the summer may be MonkeyPox. I just love saying it...it rolls off the tongue.

As I woke up to a monkeypox report the other day, I thought well....I don't own a prarie dog...I do not engage in intercourse with prarie dogs...I will live through the summer! It's all good, right? Then, I started wondering just how these prarie dogs contracted monkeypox. hmmmm...By golly...the monkeys fucked the prarie dogs! That's a crime against nature! It's against god's law....that's not right!

A Few Items of Note:

- A big shout out to K and S, who have redesigned my blog. Big changes a'comin' folks....and I owe it all to those two. Beautiful. Thank you.

- Today's man of fantastical passion: Pierce Brosnan. Sop him up wid a biscuit!

- Tomorrow I attend the service for my friend's son. I made a full, organic meal for her and her husband tonight. Hopefully, my cooking will bring comfort, instead of its usual concern.

- Blessings to S, for looking so fabulous in her dress and spotting me a gyro, and also to her husband, B, for actualling finding Sunflower, and making my daughter and I smile like village idiots.

How 'Bout Unabashadly Bawling Your Eyes Out? How "Bout Not Equating Death With Stopping?

I do not have the answers. I just feel the pain, like everyone else. I am such a shit when it comes to grief...I immediately jump into a flurry mode. For those of you that do not know what I am referring to, I apologize. My dear friend, E....her two and a half year old son died this evening. I was not close to him, I only saw him a few times. I am getting closer to her, but ever so slowly. I cannot imagine the pain she is living. Perhaps what I would imagine it to be, if I were in her shoes, and multiply that exponentially by about a fucking billion. When I grieve, I go into "crisis" mode- I think of all that needs to be done, and take care of those around me. I finally cry at the funeral. I fall to shit; that is a more accurate description.
In a related topic, I got an offer tonght. One of the gentleman I am dating, C, heard the news and said, "I will go with you if you wish." I thanked him, and got off the phone. Here's the deal....I have always wanted someone in my life to support me through times like this. I have never had a man offer to do that stuff....I turned him down...I am so used to taking care of myself, I didn't even know how to react. I thought of a great quote, "You look for your dreams in heaven, but what the hell are you supposed to do when they come true?" The point being that although I have wanted someone in my life to lean on, I am not a good leaner. What leaning abilities I have had in the past have been conditioned right out of me......I have decided to take the man up on his offer and lean.
I am not alright with this. I hope to weep soon; very soon.

A Little Too Far

Ok, so the Freeman case has made the news again. I disagree with the ACLU's statement that we have violated her religious freedoms by requiring her to lift her veil for an ID photo. Hey,, babe..driving is a priviledge, not a god-given right. CNN reports that she was given the option of having her picture taken in a private room, with a only a female officer present. Freeman also cited this "attack on her religious freedom" when the social workers came to investigate repoted bruises on the foster children in her care. This woman, in my opinion, is an outright jackass. I truly believe that Ashcroft is whittling away our inaliable rights...and this type of person is getting major press for infringements that are her own choice. She provides a lack of credibility to any other foreign person with a case against Ashcroft's wannabe police state...CNN also did a nice job of comparing our policies on the veil issue with other Muslim countries.
Here's my final question...only I would notice this!...she cannot show her face....but she can wear eyeliner? I don't get it!

If I ever become a professional wrestler, I'll make sure to take the name The Eliminator, as much as I pee. Between the supplements, and all the water, the Coca-Cola, and the whole juices.....my god. I am going to build and ark just in case.

"When I Kiss You, I Taste What Other Men Had For Lunch"

That's an infamous Sam Kenison quote...if you are unfamiliar with it, I urge you to immediately re-think your entire existance. The reason those words popped into my head, is I have three nights away from my daughter...and each night I have a date. It feels odd to spread my attention so thin. But, I am doing everything differently nowdays, so why not romance, too? I have come to realize that I am really not looking for a relationship, I merely seeking companionship. I am leading a happy existance, and I really do not need a male counterpart to make it blissful. I used to tell Tripod that I never trusted people that were "wanting to get married"...what is so empty about your own life or self that you feel the need to drag someone else into it? I have come to believe that you find a person, and it goes so snifty that you find yourself wanting a relationship- with that person. Not, "I want a relationship, and boy- you fit." I guess that's how I used to do it, too.

I jokingly said to my mother that what I truly desire is "disposable companionship". Until I find someone so fabulous that I feel alone without them, I don't want to worry about it. I got a phone call today from C, and he says, "I want to go see the Matrix tonight...you want to go?" Woohoo. That's what I want. We are going together to talk, hang out, and watch a movie we both want to see. I am attracted to him, but he's not my boy...we have nothing in common. We like each other, though, and so it's cool. Sure, I want to be kissed in a way that makes my toes curl, but you just cannot make that sort of thing happen. So, I put it into the universe, and the universe can take care of that for me. I am swarmed with responses from Match- all men that I would like to go out with at least once...it's actually getting a little hard to keep track. I was wondering to myself, "How am I going to choose if I have to...What am I going to do with all of these men?" (That sounds soooo stupid, I know) And there it was...the evil voice in my head, "Fuck 'em all, and see which ones are left standing!" I won't do that of course, but I will have fun to the end. Life is too short.

So, tonight, I am at the Matrix with Chuck; and tomorrow, I am at the festival with Chris, and dinner on Monday with Patrick. I am going to make sure that the next couple of days, I remember my goddess-ness!

"With God As My Witness..."

The dream did remind me that I am in that Scarlett O'Hara space again. It's been a long time since I have felt like this! Remember what Rhet said to her in the parlor? "You need to be kissed. Often. And by someone that knows how!" Heh.

About Last Night...

Last night, I got to do something very special. I got to make amends to someone I loved very much. The last time I saw this person, it was agonizing, and everything was left "all wrong". I went to the Grind and met SJ...we spent an hour together, and I was just the honest, calm person I am watching myself become. We had some laughs and some awkward moments, but all in all, it was good. When I got home, I said that there was a little something missing...I couldn't figure out what...It was like when you forget to add pepper to a recipe...you couldn't say what it was, but you noticed. Well, I had a night of dreaming- which means I did not sleep so well- but the dreaming was cathartic.

In the dream- I was in love with this hansome dark haired man. It's been so long since I have been gaga like that, i forgot what it was like (even in a dream)! I remember him coming in to kiss me, and I thoguht to myself, "It's ok to fall in love now. It's time." Well, I am sure that I am not goint to fall in love today, or this week, or this month, but the dream let me know that what I did last night was exactly what my soul needed. He is alright, and so am I.

I know what you are wondering . Because of my post a week ago, you are wondering if I actually looked at him and thought, "I cannot believe I let you put your penis inside of me!" The answer is no, I did not. I did not, much to my suprise, sit and wish he would do it again. I thought I would be a lovelorn, heartbroken woman. I am surprising myself all over town...I felt love, but very removed. Once I saw him, I don't know what I was holding onto this whole time, except for the pain.

The point is, all is well.

I had a fabulous thing (semi-related topic) pop into my mail today. I wanted to make sure I shared it with everyone in my reach. It puts into some flowery-ass words something that I began believing deep in my core, nearly two years ago. It ended up changing my concept of love. Love doesn't mean that someone will always be there, life may pull them in another direction. Even away from you. Even painfully. It doesn't mean that you did not love them, even if just for a little while.

The Agreement

With each person who passes through your life, you have a soul agreement.
What this means is that, long ago in the realm of the soul, you promised to have some
special encounter, share some life-shaping experience,
complete some soul-honing work with that particular soul in this life.
Soul agreements are commitments to the evolution of our individual souls in conjunction with one another,
as one by one we make the journey to that state of seamless awareness that the mystics call Enlightenment.

It is because of these agreements on a soul level that at times you may
feel a mysterious strange connection with some other person,
why difficult people may at times inexplicably inhabit your life,
why you may find yourself on a journey with a particular person—
as if you had an unwritten contract to fulfill—
And then discover that, as if by amputation, your association is suddenly over.

As the community of souls who have gathered together in life on Earth,
We have agreed not only to remember for each other the pure state that was our origin,
But also to act out whatever portion of the needlessly changing tableau of human experience
We have been called upon to play to ensure our own soul’s growth,
And that of the souls to whom we have made these deep promises.

Some of us are here to be beautiful and strong, others to be cranky and difficult,
some to die young and teach us through the searing heartbreak of great loss,
others to live long and instruct us through wisdom.

But no matter what role we are playing, we are all enacting a part in that one great spiritual destiny,
which is to remember our eternal essence and move toward ultimate union.
So it is that every person you meet, each soul who crosses your path and affects you—
wonderfully and terribly, briefly, or for a lifetime—
is here for that reason, and every relationship you engage in is but a small scene in the vast,
ever-unfolding human panoply that is being endlessly enacted for the purpose of your soul’s development

When you recognize this, you will suddenly, breathtakingly see
that each person has been brought to you with a high and elegant purpose,
that each soul has come to touch your soul and teach it, and
that each relationship exists to hasten your own soul’s beautiful awakening.

No longer is anyone a stranger,
no longer can any of your relationships be seen as failures to mistakes.
In the light of the Spirit, we see that we are all playing out roles that are the
fulfillment of an exquisite and all-encompassing plan.

To recognize this is to step out of conflict, and into Grace.
For when we realize that life has been so beautifully designed,
we will bask in the light of the Spirit
we will live in absolute Peace.

A couple of Amyisms for ya:

- "I'd rather grow a set of testicles and hang myself from them."

- "It's good to be good. It's good to be bad. And it's very good to be good at being bad."

- "You deserve what you ask for. Things will happen that you never asked for, and that you never deserved, but you deserve what you ask for" (this is now becoming the foundation of my very existence)

Listen Up, Sporto...

It has already begun. June is but a wee day along, and already...the panic of the summer! This year, we are recycling last years' crisis- who said Americans don't recycle? It's on CNN, it's on Headline, it's on FOX- but that's not really news, is it? Let's not forget the same tired local coverage we ingest every of this shit everyday. Who knows what I am talking about here, class? West Nile. It's the El Nino of the decade!
There are two basic, fundamental issues I have with the WNV right now. First, the coverage is senseless and never ending. Second, it's the two-bit advice that comes along with it.
The coverage is nothing but hype. Incredible, fanatical hype. In some circles, this is known as bullshit. Now, CNN reported this morning that 274 people died of WNV last year. May I note, that not one of these poor souls were Americans. Now, I am not saying that certain segments of the population should not take precautions against this horrifying disease. The immuno-suppressed- that means small children, too- and the ever-fashionable Depends crowd should heed warning. But me? The average Joe? look, dude- I just faced my mortality before thirty, and I'll probably do it again the night before I turn thirty...If I am going to worry about death, I have other, more-likey options than WNV... Let's go back to that 274 (worldwide)....3,786 of people in my age group were wiped off of this spinning rock in the year 2000 due to "chronic liver disease and cirrhosis". This means I am more likey to drink myself to death this year than die of WNV! Woohoo! Things are lookin' up! Do ya know what else? 11,354 in my age range committed suicide- successfully. (they probably practiced) So, let me see here, I am more likey to fucking off myself this summer than die of West Nile...hmmm...1,432 of us caught pneumonia or influenza, and found the light at the end of the tunnel. Riiiight, this one is a little sad. I am roughly three times more likey to forgo calling in to work sick, only to take three rounds of Thera-Flu to make it through the day, and to die on my desk? Ugh. Pass me the chocolate-covered misquitos, please! Am I really wrong not to be cowering in my boots?

One thing that does make me recoil: the way every station os suggesting you smother your skin in DEET. Now, haven't we been through this before? For those of you new to this sort of thing, this is common-fucking-sense! Please note that I am not some hippie earth-mother, or someone that's ever marched for an environmental issue- although I probably should- but guys, come on! If you are going to use DEET because it not only repels the mosquitos, but kills them, maybe it's lethal? Do you enjoy lethal products on your skin? It's like these people that spray Camicide around their house. Yes, it kills the bugs..BY MELTING THEIR ENTIRE FUCKING EXOSKETLETON AND/OR LIQUEFYING THEIR TINY BRAINS! "Uhh..yeah...we saw a spider in the playroom, so spray extra heavy in there, ok Mr. Orkin?" What in the hell! Deet is bad stuff, kiddies. It causes some serious issues with your cerebrum (higher thinking) and your cerebellum (balance, movement). It's been known to cause seizures. Its possible that it is one of the causes of Gulf War Syndrome. Go ahead, give your children and pets a DEET dip before you leave the house, but I'll take my chances this summer with West Nile and Cirrhosis.