How 'Bout Unabashadly Bawling Your Eyes Out? How "Bout Not Equating Death With Stopping?

I do not have the answers. I just feel the pain, like everyone else. I am such a shit when it comes to grief...I immediately jump into a flurry mode. For those of you that do not know what I am referring to, I apologize. My dear friend, E....her two and a half year old son died this evening. I was not close to him, I only saw him a few times. I am getting closer to her, but ever so slowly. I cannot imagine the pain she is living. Perhaps what I would imagine it to be, if I were in her shoes, and multiply that exponentially by about a fucking billion. When I grieve, I go into "crisis" mode- I think of all that needs to be done, and take care of those around me. I finally cry at the funeral. I fall to shit; that is a more accurate description.
In a related topic, I got an offer tonght. One of the gentleman I am dating, C, heard the news and said, "I will go with you if you wish." I thanked him, and got off the phone. Here's the deal....I have always wanted someone in my life to support me through times like this. I have never had a man offer to do that stuff....I turned him down...I am so used to taking care of myself, I didn't even know how to react. I thought of a great quote, "You look for your dreams in heaven, but what the hell are you supposed to do when they come true?" The point being that although I have wanted someone in my life to lean on, I am not a good leaner. What leaning abilities I have had in the past have been conditioned right out of me......I have decided to take the man up on his offer and lean.
I am not alright with this. I hope to weep soon; very soon.