Listen Up, Sporto...

It has already begun. June is but a wee day along, and already...the panic of the summer! This year, we are recycling last years' crisis- who said Americans don't recycle? It's on CNN, it's on Headline, it's on FOX- but that's not really news, is it? Let's not forget the same tired local coverage we ingest every of this shit everyday. Who knows what I am talking about here, class? West Nile. It's the El Nino of the decade!
There are two basic, fundamental issues I have with the WNV right now. First, the coverage is senseless and never ending. Second, it's the two-bit advice that comes along with it.
The coverage is nothing but hype. Incredible, fanatical hype. In some circles, this is known as bullshit. Now, CNN reported this morning that 274 people died of WNV last year. May I note, that not one of these poor souls were Americans. Now, I am not saying that certain segments of the population should not take precautions against this horrifying disease. The immuno-suppressed- that means small children, too- and the ever-fashionable Depends crowd should heed warning. But me? The average Joe? look, dude- I just faced my mortality before thirty, and I'll probably do it again the night before I turn thirty...If I am going to worry about death, I have other, more-likey options than WNV... Let's go back to that 274 (worldwide)....3,786 of people in my age group were wiped off of this spinning rock in the year 2000 due to "chronic liver disease and cirrhosis". This means I am more likey to drink myself to death this year than die of WNV! Woohoo! Things are lookin' up! Do ya know what else? 11,354 in my age range committed suicide- successfully. (they probably practiced) So, let me see here, I am more likey to fucking off myself this summer than die of West Nile...hmmm...1,432 of us caught pneumonia or influenza, and found the light at the end of the tunnel. Riiiight, this one is a little sad. I am roughly three times more likey to forgo calling in to work sick, only to take three rounds of Thera-Flu to make it through the day, and to die on my desk? Ugh. Pass me the chocolate-covered misquitos, please! Am I really wrong not to be cowering in my boots?

One thing that does make me recoil: the way every station os suggesting you smother your skin in DEET. Now, haven't we been through this before? For those of you new to this sort of thing, this is common-fucking-sense! Please note that I am not some hippie earth-mother, or someone that's ever marched for an environmental issue- although I probably should- but guys, come on! If you are going to use DEET because it not only repels the mosquitos, but kills them, maybe it's lethal? Do you enjoy lethal products on your skin? It's like these people that spray Camicide around their house. Yes, it kills the bugs..BY MELTING THEIR ENTIRE FUCKING EXOSKETLETON AND/OR LIQUEFYING THEIR TINY BRAINS! "Uhh..yeah...we saw a spider in the playroom, so spray extra heavy in there, ok Mr. Orkin?" What in the hell! Deet is bad stuff, kiddies. It causes some serious issues with your cerebrum (higher thinking) and your cerebellum (balance, movement). It's been known to cause seizures. Its possible that it is one of the causes of Gulf War Syndrome. Go ahead, give your children and pets a DEET dip before you leave the house, but I'll take my chances this summer with West Nile and Cirrhosis.