Heartbreak Hotel

My time as a single woman has been wonderful- in general. I take better care of myself. Sometimes, I wonder if i only have a finite amount of love to give. Now that I am not directing my love and energy to a partner, all the leftovers that the children don't need simply return to me. I am more satisfied than I have been in quite some time.

I have had three pseudo-romances in the last three months. First there was Murph, but he suddenly stopped calling. I can't help but assume it has something to do with the trivia night gone. I asked him a couple of times what was said and how the situation was handled....in short, I wanted to make it right even though it was not my creation. Not only because he is my friend and it's the right thing to do, but the truth is he is one of the best people I know. I am envious of the woman that lands him....she will be his world.

Then, there was Doug. Doug was BG's double, and that alone sent some shivers down my spine. But, he was a bit inconsistent. Well, more than a bit. And too reserved. I could never be satisfied with anything less than full-throttle passion, could I? ; )

And so Cory re-enters the scene. Oh, what a disaster. We click, and fit almost like puzzle pieces. So, the time comes for us to spend an evening together. The night before, we are texting and being silly as usual....and he slips in a request for a little sodomy. Ummmm....no. So, I explain that I have a strict "no buggery" policy in place. He asks if I am joking. I ask him if he enjoys that activity, and when he replies that he does, I say "Receiving?" It doesn't feel like pleasure, it feels like something a bear does in the woods...but I digress. So, he asks why I don't like this, and wants to know if I am flexible on this point. I divulge my past at this point. He then decides that the man that helped me recover is "still in your bedroom" and there is "no intimacy left for anyone where he hasn't already paved the way" and that "no man can measure up to this guy". I never said anything intimidating. I praised Mike, never even using his name, to explain where I have been, and woman that I have become.

So, I told him goodbye, too.

Happy Valentine's Day to me. I will not settle. However, my brother wanted an explanation for why I cancelled, so I explained it to him. 'You have weird conversations with boys", he says. "You know you will have a hard time finding someone anyway. You are a Godier. You're demanding and.....blah blah blah." Thanks for the effing pep talk. Then his on-again-off-again girlfriend gives her motivational speech, "Amy, you and I will never find a man that will sweep us off our feet, and want to take care of us (and I am thinking, 'whoa! who ordered all of that?!?!?') But, she carries on. "Because we only attract douchebags. And that's all we'll ever get. You need to just fucking get over it."

Wow. Ummmm...really? See, I don't think I do choose douchebags. At least not on the surface. Murph is smart, witty, funny, handsome, devoted, honest, virtuous, and successful. Doug is family-oriented, simple, funny in a stealthy sort of way, with impeccable manners, hard-working and successful. Cory is smart, versatile, athletic, passionate, focused, gentlemanly....

If Murph isn't going to call, he's not that interested. That doesn't make him a douchebag. Same for Doug. It may bruise my ego, but not wanting me is not a crime, lol. I am sure it violates some natural law of the universe....heh. And, if Cory was honest and stated that my "no buggery policy" is a dealbreaker, that wouldn't make him a douchebag, either. I just don't think he was honest, which is kinda "douch-ey". Heheheh. We all deserve what we desire, without settling. I have no ill will toward someone that is in pursuit of their desires.

So, what to do? Well, last night I cried. And cried. And cried.

I am not sure if it was the long stretch of celibacy, the piss-poor advice, the dealbreaker, or the PMS that sparked a record crying jag, but it felt good. I woke up refreshed and renewed. I swear all tumors are grown from unreleased tears.

I went to the Art Museum this morning. It was so good for the soul. Had a great pick-me-up conversation with Mike, and treated myself to a Coke (I am such a wild woman). I bought us all little trinkets, including some Egyptian Mummy beads for Madeleine. The boys chose rock candy, and I purchased a beautiful set of earrings. I never buy jewelry for myself, and it's time I begin. I was so proud of me.....

Last night, Maddie caught the first sign of the break up, before I did. As Cory first started to try to sway me on my no-buggery stance, I was staring at my phone, reading that text twice. She looks at me, and says, "Why are you shaking your head?" "What?" I asked. "You're shaking your head, back and forth, 'No'." I laughed. My body was already answering before my brain caught up, and she noticed it. So, I explained to her last night, void of all sexual details, what had happened. The tears were rolling down my face and I took her hand in mine. I said, "Promise me something. This will happen to you. You will come to a crossroads with someone. You may even love them. But, at some point they may ask you to do something that is in direct opposition to what you want. Don't do it. You will probably lose them, and that will sting like hell. But, don't ever choose anyone over yourself. Compromise and give, be loving, but don't lose your direction. Don't sacrifice who you are. Because you will be spending the rest of your life with yourself. Don't love anyone more than you."