I forgot something

Kelly just told me that I was "a brilliant creatrix". Well, I immediately thought of my list. I have had some close calls. In fact, there is one that fits the bill. However, I forgot to ask the universe to make him mine. LOL.

I have to let go of the particulars, but I am ready for something. When it's time.....please make sure it's delivered. I would like to fall in love with each other. I want to welcome him into my life, one step at a time. I want to lay in his arms and feel safe. And be safe.

Wrapped

I am just overwhelmed. Completely. I miss my mom. When your mom talks to you, everything is going to be alright.

I am alone. Bored, stressed, buried in work I don't want to do. Depressed. Just canceled a date. Not excited about him. I am so tired of having to be alone, working, and strong. I get scared, unsure, and lonely....and there is no one I can tell. When I reach out for help, my friends are too busy, or Ron is often flustered. Today, I was just looking for an ear, and he says, "it sounds like you want me to take the kids today" in this "tone"...no, but I would love for someone to understand. I need to have contact with someone, a connection. I felt that with Murph, but I get swamped with these kids, and I think he thought I was blowing him off. I tried inviting him out for lunch...no response.

Why can't people understand that I am alone in this? It makes me too inconvenient to date, it seems. If I knew a responsible adult that could be a decent parent to my children..I wouldn't be breathing anymore. I tell people point blank, "I need a break. I need help. I am alone. I am depressed." and I hear how life isn't always going to be this way. Really? Ok, with the exception of my kids will get older...what is going to change? When you tell everyone you know that you are drowning, and no one steps in....

Can't Help Myself

Goodness. I received my nursing acceptance letter the other day!!! I want to make a copy and put it on Mom's grave. I wish she was here for this.

So, I have already thanked everyone- except him. I rewrote the text three times. Wanted to make sure it was a simple thank you and nothing suggestive, nothing that would make him feel creeped out. But, my goodness- how long can a crush last?!?!? Maybe once I fall in love with someone else, it will go away. Great. As if that were so easily accomplished.

I do have a date with Bryan this evening. Let's see..he's tall, silver, 38, smart, funny, devoted to his children...what's not to like? He should be slender, geeky, balding...then I would really be mad for him! LOL.

So, what would Mama Gena tell me to do? Let's go ask!

Conjuring

Ok, Universe. I am lonely this weekend. I didn't get to hang out with Murph and set that straight, because I still had a mid-term, no childcare, and baby Maria is still in the hospital. Anyway, it's been nine... almost ten months. I have held my head high and stayed strong. I have done all of this alone. Not really many hugs, no one to hold my hand, or let me cry. I would like to let my guard down every once in a while. I am exhausted. I get scared. I get lonely. When I was talking to Ferrell tonight, I was asking him if he ever felt this way. He said "Of course. I have been alone for ten years now." I tried to explain that I thought if I had my head screwed on straight, I wouldn't need anyone to hold my hand, or comfort me...I should be strong and independent, and never need another person. Well, I don't feel that way right now. I feel like I would give anything for a real connection. I would like to fall asleep with someone again, to be able to cry, to feel safe and protected....just for a little while. And I feel guilty for wanting that at all....as though it completely contradicts my personal 'feminist manifesto', or something.... So, I would like to conjure. I want a smart, funny, sexy man for a light-hearted old-fashioned romance. I would like him to magically know when I am fragile, and not let me get away with playing it tough when I should drop my barriers. I want him to be noble and trustworthy, so unlike my ex....I want him to be "geographically desirable". A man I can bring into my entire life, one baby step at a time. I am not asking for happily ever after...who knows....I am looking for something that suits me right now. Hardworking, must love the outdoors. Must have a strong dichotomy as do I.....Must be passionate. I would like to be pampered a bit by him, as well as have the opportunity to dote on him as well. He must be stable, pref. with children of his own. He should be open-minded, and share his favorites with me. The chemistry should be such that sitting under an evening sky could create a lasting memory. He could share my religious belief, or have some of his own. I would really prefer if he were tall, and believed in helping his fellow man. Good teeth a must! This man should value education. He should rock trivia! He shouldn't be much of a drinker, and certainly no drug use. He should value his health as well. No tobacco products. It would be beneficial if he could hold his own in the kitchen, though he certainly doesn't need to be my personal chef. I would like to ride that chemical wave, and be surprised along the way. A man that is dominant enough to go head-to-head with me. I can't steamroll over him, and he wouldn't want to try to steamroll over me. He should kiss like he means it. A little gray hair would be a plus. Oh! I want him to have nice, thick, tree-trunk legs.....hair on his chest, but not on his back..... A great smile that catches my eye from across the room. He should be kind to people less fortunate when only God is watching.... Ok, so that's all I can think of off the top of my head. Thank you, Universe! I know he's on his way. Amended: 6.26.10-- I need this man to be emotionally available. A little more than E, but not smotheringly codependent, either. He reallly has to love me "just right". There should be a thrill in the first kiss. And the second. The love shouldn't be awkward. A man that is proud of who I am. He also frequently "mans up". I would also like a man that understands my pace-- perhaps I wouldn't seem so inconsistent if I weren't trying to run at someone else's speed. Love is fabulous, and if the fairy tale were to drop in my lap, I wouldn't want it to end in two weeks. I prefer a lifetime romance. Amended: 1.30.11-- I desire for this man to be honest and open with me. I want to feel secure in what he claims to be true. I want to be a priority, not forgotten-- and treated with the respect I have earned. 4.12.11- Wow! Great job, goddess. You really delivered. I obviously forgot a few key points, however : P This particular man needs to be stable. And communicative enough that I have some idea as to what's going on with him. Income is also an issue for me, I have found. Not that he needs to supply mine, more like he needs to have a prosperous one of his own. The razor-sharp wit of a geek could only add to his resume. He needs to have respect for what I do for a living, and be able to listen (happily) to my stories. Honesty is a MUST. He will not keep me waiting, ignore me, or disrespect me and he will not allow others to take advantage of him or his loved ones. Thank you again. I can hand this back to you now, with gratitude : )

Heartbreak Hotel

My time as a single woman has been wonderful- in general. I take better care of myself. Sometimes, I wonder if i only have a finite amount of love to give. Now that I am not directing my love and energy to a partner, all the leftovers that the children don't need simply return to me. I am more satisfied than I have been in quite some time.

I have had three pseudo-romances in the last three months. First there was Murph, but he suddenly stopped calling. I can't help but assume it has something to do with the trivia night gone. I asked him a couple of times what was said and how the situation was handled....in short, I wanted to make it right even though it was not my creation. Not only because he is my friend and it's the right thing to do, but the truth is he is one of the best people I know. I am envious of the woman that lands him....she will be his world.

Then, there was Doug. Doug was BG's double, and that alone sent some shivers down my spine. But, he was a bit inconsistent. Well, more than a bit. And too reserved. I could never be satisfied with anything less than full-throttle passion, could I? ; )

And so Cory re-enters the scene. Oh, what a disaster. We click, and fit almost like puzzle pieces. So, the time comes for us to spend an evening together. The night before, we are texting and being silly as usual....and he slips in a request for a little sodomy. Ummmm....no. So, I explain that I have a strict "no buggery" policy in place. He asks if I am joking. I ask him if he enjoys that activity, and when he replies that he does, I say "Receiving?" It doesn't feel like pleasure, it feels like something a bear does in the woods...but I digress. So, he asks why I don't like this, and wants to know if I am flexible on this point. I divulge my past at this point. He then decides that the man that helped me recover is "still in your bedroom" and there is "no intimacy left for anyone where he hasn't already paved the way" and that "no man can measure up to this guy". I never said anything intimidating. I praised Mike, never even using his name, to explain where I have been, and woman that I have become.

So, I told him goodbye, too.

Happy Valentine's Day to me. I will not settle. However, my brother wanted an explanation for why I cancelled, so I explained it to him. 'You have weird conversations with boys", he says. "You know you will have a hard time finding someone anyway. You are a Godier. You're demanding and.....blah blah blah." Thanks for the effing pep talk. Then his on-again-off-again girlfriend gives her motivational speech, "Amy, you and I will never find a man that will sweep us off our feet, and want to take care of us (and I am thinking, 'whoa! who ordered all of that?!?!?') But, she carries on. "Because we only attract douchebags. And that's all we'll ever get. You need to just fucking get over it."

Wow. Ummmm...really? See, I don't think I do choose douchebags. At least not on the surface. Murph is smart, witty, funny, handsome, devoted, honest, virtuous, and successful. Doug is family-oriented, simple, funny in a stealthy sort of way, with impeccable manners, hard-working and successful. Cory is smart, versatile, athletic, passionate, focused, gentlemanly....

If Murph isn't going to call, he's not that interested. That doesn't make him a douchebag. Same for Doug. It may bruise my ego, but not wanting me is not a crime, lol. I am sure it violates some natural law of the universe....heh. And, if Cory was honest and stated that my "no buggery policy" is a dealbreaker, that wouldn't make him a douchebag, either. I just don't think he was honest, which is kinda "douch-ey". Heheheh. We all deserve what we desire, without settling. I have no ill will toward someone that is in pursuit of their desires.

So, what to do? Well, last night I cried. And cried. And cried.

I am not sure if it was the long stretch of celibacy, the piss-poor advice, the dealbreaker, or the PMS that sparked a record crying jag, but it felt good. I woke up refreshed and renewed. I swear all tumors are grown from unreleased tears.

I went to the Art Museum this morning. It was so good for the soul. Had a great pick-me-up conversation with Mike, and treated myself to a Coke (I am such a wild woman). I bought us all little trinkets, including some Egyptian Mummy beads for Madeleine. The boys chose rock candy, and I purchased a beautiful set of earrings. I never buy jewelry for myself, and it's time I begin. I was so proud of me.....

Last night, Maddie caught the first sign of the break up, before I did. As Cory first started to try to sway me on my no-buggery stance, I was staring at my phone, reading that text twice. She looks at me, and says, "Why are you shaking your head?" "What?" I asked. "You're shaking your head, back and forth, 'No'." I laughed. My body was already answering before my brain caught up, and she noticed it. So, I explained to her last night, void of all sexual details, what had happened. The tears were rolling down my face and I took her hand in mine. I said, "Promise me something. This will happen to you. You will come to a crossroads with someone. You may even love them. But, at some point they may ask you to do something that is in direct opposition to what you want. Don't do it. You will probably lose them, and that will sting like hell. But, don't ever choose anyone over yourself. Compromise and give, be loving, but don't lose your direction. Don't sacrifice who you are. Because you will be spending the rest of your life with yourself. Don't love anyone more than you."

Hello Again, My Love

Can you believe I actually forgot about my blog-child here? I thought it had been deleted. And a friend spoke of it a couple of weeks ago. I was pondering a new blog, Modern Spinster. Damn the girls that already took that name!

So, here I am. Today, a single mother of three. Not yet divorced. Half-oprhaned. Unemployed. No boyfriend. Practically sexless for over a year and a half.

Full-time student. Strong candidate for the nursing program. Healthy. Living in my own home, alone, for the first time ever. Living strong. Happily. Living fiercely. (as was my promise to my mother)

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RelayForLifeHighPlainsDivision?px=4521073&pg=personal&fr_id=5634

Maddie and I have our own personal page set up for Relay for Life. Please look, donate, and forward. If you feel you cannot donate, that's okay, but maybe you'll think of someone that fought cancer, or was a caretaker, and forward it to them.

Thanks.

Relay for Life

This evening I spoke to the Relay for Life coordinator for Arnold, MO. Looks like I am putting some of my brain back to use and working on one of the commitees. Woohoo! The best part is that Madeleine and I are working on this together.

I will be fundraising, but I completely understand if you do not want to give cash. I have become a big charity supporter in the last year, but not everyone is the same....The American Cancer Society is holding several fundraisers for the event. The first one is easy- CAN YOU EAT ICE CREAM????

Maggie Moo's fund-raiser, Thursday 3/13, all day. A % of the proceeds from that day's sales will be donated to RFL-Arnold. Stop by from 5-9 p.m. to see Relay 'celebrities' scooping up ice cream and cleaning the seating area.
http://www.maggiemoos.com/visit_a_treatery/StoreWebSite.cfm?SID=25206

I'll probably work the event, but I am doing some other volunteer and charity work, so it's still too early to commit.

Ring Bling Cha-Ching!

I found my ring!!!! It was in the bottom of a knitting basket. I had taken it off before a shower and wanted to keep it out of the kids' reach, so there it was.

And there it is. Right where it belongs, on my left hand.

The pic is bad, because I am a bit shaky with my CFS, but I am getting better, so why complain???? They were just about to deliver the new one, so I am just giving hub all that money to do whatever he wants.

I am uber-happy.

steppin' out

the hub and i were caught smooching by our daughter-

..a pic of the hub and I going out tonight....(this is rare)

Why He's The One

Today, my husband and I celebrate precisely four years of wedded bliss. Well, it hasn't been all easy bliss, but that's just called marriage.

It's utter romance at my house. Candlelight and nighties last night (me, not him) , and dinner tonight. I gave him his mushy card and two gifts last night.

So, here's my gift. For my birthday, he "upgraded" my engagement ring. Money was tight when we married. This year, I received a huge marquise with emerald sides and baguettes. It's almost three carats in all. It was stunning. Well, while taking my mother to chemo a couple of months ago, I slipped my rings off so that I could protect it while washing and cleaning up.....and I lost it. I cried my eyes out. He never got mad at me.

And, on Tuesday, my new identical ring is due to be delivered. He bought me the ring I loved so much- again.

Another reason- as my husband was breezing through the kitchen, he says, "Did you hear about these twins in the news? They were adopted by different families and married, and now find out yers later they are actually brother and sister!"

I said, " Goodness. Does that mean if we discover we are related we can't have sex anymore?!?"

His reply was "No, we just can't tell anyone!"

Perfect.

Hosting a Party?

CandleLite, Mary Kaye, Simply Fun, Silpada, Lia Sophia, Pampered Chef, whatever......

I do not need an $80 pizza stone, or a $15 necklace that is priced at $98. I do not want your bonus gifts, and I do not want a hostess discount. Most importantly, I do not want to drag my family and friends into my home so that I may plow them with food and drink, and then stir the silent tension with, "What are you thinking of buying? Oh, that's lovely." You cannot turn me down face-to-face, you see. After all, I came to your party. And the rep is here. She's a friend of mine, and she is spending a Friday night trying to breathe life into a "Passion Party". Oh, fuck me! I do not want to invite my mother in law to a dildo party. The rep herself has spent twenty hours or so planning this shin-dig, making sure I have enough warm bodies with checkbooks to make it all worth her while, but guess what- it's not.

When will women wake up to this direct marketing? Oh, the part I love the most is how these pathetic women look forward to taking a few other women under her wing, so she can make a cut of their action, too.

He-looo?!? Pyrimid Scheme? Anyone? I have yet to see a Pampered Chef rep paying off her mortgage early. I don't want your email specials or your invitations for pizza rolls or mini-quiches.

I went to a "bring a friend" Mary Kaye crapmeeting, as a favor to the friend that drug me. This was four years ago. Never bought anything. Do you know I am still on the hostess's mailing list? I think the bitch sent me some Mary-Kaye Christmas card!!! Wow. These women do not get it.

(For the record- Avon does not do this. And, they will continue to receive my money occasionally.)

The Deluxe

....It's even got "glow in the dark miracle hands"!!!!

http://www.mcphee.com/items/11537.html

So, So, Wrong

Yes. I elfed myself. Along with my three kids.

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1440544854

I'm Not That Creepy....yet

Ok, so I had a second and searched for D'onofrio on eBay, hoping to perhaps find a copy of Happy Accident, because I really do like the movie, and no one is going to buy it for me. (I'm in a sentimental romantic mood somehow).

Lots of "fan stuff" on eBay, pictures and autographs, and magnets, yada yada....and two shirts. With "certificates of authenticity". Ummmm.....right.

I am sure Mr. D smells as gorgeous and manly as he looks, and this was supposedly worn once or twice, doesn't mention anything about being laundered....

So, some freak is removing wardrobe items from a set, and selling them? Who is buying them? I am creeped out, and I am sure that somewhere Vincent D'onofrio is sitting in front of his computer, and occasionally does a search for his name, even if just for kicks. Hell, I do it, and I am certainly not famous. But, I cannot fathom how exposed I would feel finding my used clothing for sale. I think there was Shannon Daugherty's bra for sale, and other such items. Ewww.

If I wear a man's shirt, it's because I miss the man, or he's tossed me around all night in an unforgettable manner and I am drinking a cup of coffee before I dress.

I must confess I am a scent hound. Especially since I quit smoking, my nose is so sensitive, more than those around me. I smell EVERYTHING.

I remember when I dated SJ. He walked off for a minute and found me smelling his laundry- his Mr. Bubbles shirt, specifically- just basking in his scent. When I mate, it's with the nose as well as the rest of my body.

He burst into laughter at the time, but then sent me this. It's seems I am in touch with my primal side.

Just Not Feelin' It....

I am in that space that women periodically find themselves in- that angry, fed-up, my-time-has-been-wasted-here space.
I invest. It's what I do. I should probably get one of those stupid "Life is Like a Garden. Dig It!" signs. Although I am a bit of a lawn-hound, the sentiment itself is what I relate to....I invest my whole self into people and projects. And I suppose that with investing something so precious and rare as moi, I absolutely expect to see growth and return.
This is why women have affairs.

Miracle #1: The Incredible Shrinking Woman

Just wanted to post a pic of our family from a visit with extended family. Get that?

No, the miracle is that Dr. Big Guy called the house Friday night and let us know that somehow, by the grace of God, and the prayers on our behalf, my mother's tumor is shrinking.

I believe in the world of pancreatic cancer this is defined as: incredibly freakin' rare.

Dear God,

Please keep the miracles coming.

Thanks,

Amy- your favorite sinner

Been There, Done That

Every couple of weeks, I like to cruise on over to Cosmo online and find their "Sex Position of the Week".

I print it out and stick it in the husband's sock drawer, or in his closet.

We hope to think we'll have sex again someday when the kids go off to college.

Puff Stuff

What?

This has to go straight into the file of "stupidest shit I have heard in a while".

"I am definitely honored that a black man is running for the Presidency, but to be honest, he has to do something for black people."

-P. DIDDY
on Barack Obama's run for the presidency

Alright, follow me, as this stupidity is a two-part utterance.

First, why is he "honored" that a black man is running for President. Is he doing it for P Diddy or at his request, or in lieu of his candidacy?

I suppose he's never heard of Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, or Alan Keyes. Was he just as honored in 2004? I find it interesting to note that during 2004's Presidential Election, Diddy's Vote or Die campaign publicly supported John Kerry and specifically the defeat of GW. He did not support a black candidate? Things that make you go hmmmmmm......Right.

Second, He has to do what for black people? I thought he was running for President of the United States, not Kappa Alpha Psi. He is supposed to do something for ALL Americans, right? Or, did I miss the point.

I am really surprised that most of the black voters have camped with Hilary. Assuming Diddy would endorse her, what has she done for black people? Have any of the other candidates "doing something for black people?"
And, why would he have to do something for African Americans? Is Obama black? Is Obama white? People may see this as fence-sitting, but he seems to be running as an American, to be a President of America.

btw- Obama has my vote.

It Just Feels Good

We do little bits of charity. This week, we packed a couple of boxes for Operation Christmas Child. Next week, our family will give to the food pantry, and the week after, we donating food for four families to make their Thanksgiving meal. What's four cans of chicken broth among friends, huh?

We you know that your hands are tiny, but useful, it opens you up to the world.