I Married My Son! And I Don't Live in Arkansas!

Does every marriage experience some sort of seperation?

I read once that every married woman should have at least one old boyfriend she could always go back to, and one old boyfriend that she dreams of going back to. It sounds really shitty, but I think I get it. The first one is merely a reminder of how damn sexy we truly are, and the second one is for those moments when you wonder how in the world you are going to survive eternity in this partnership. Of course, at the time you are wondering that, there isn't much partnership, is there?

I am five and a half months pregnant, and my OB gives me more action than my husband. I dress up to see my regular doctor, just because he flirts with me shamelessly. I spend so much time alone with my children, I feel that I must have married them instead of my husband. Is this normal?

At first, (and still, to be honest) it really hit my self-esteem. But, I remember all of the goofy relationships I had before I settled down, and I can see with great hindsight that the majority of them were quacks. I always like to take the blame and beat myself up as a first resort! I am a hunting widow this season. Soon, the hunting and the Colts will merge into a different marital drought until baseball season returns, and I become a Cubs widow.

My husband thinks I am pissed because "he just wanted to spend a day hunting". Well, he is doing that today. And he did that last night. And one night last week. And three or four other times the month before that. Now, I am not supposed to complain, because he took care of the kids a couple of Fridays ago, and a couple of days when I was sick. Yeah, those were great days I spent lounging in my own phlegm. He goes to Mizzou twice a year to work and usually manages to hit the bar, has lunch with coworkers all of the time, and went on a big hunting trip last year, not to mention all of the other hunting he did in spurts last season and this one. Let's see....in the last six months I have gone out... with him one night drinking with our friend; I knitted a few hours with Sharon while he played Mommy; and I went to a Cubs game with his coworker and wife.

Woo- fucking- hoo. Is it wrong to "keep score"? Absolutely. But, I am certainly big enough to admit that I am doing it anyway.

How to Learn Without Even Trying....

When Mommy is sick, a lot of things suddenly change in a household. I should know because I have had some killer cold turned in to bronchitis thing. The word, in a nutshell, is brutal. So, I wanted to share with others things that my husband and I have learned about life while I have been to ill to tackle my normal duties.

- I learned that being a stay-at-home mom looks like a really good gig to a man. For about a day. Friday, he had the house clean and took care of the kids. Saturday, he switched one load of laundry and did some yardwork. Sunday was a "day of sports", and by Monday it was merely "Lord of the Rings box set day."

- I learned that a man cannot possibly load or unload a dishwasher with a child around, at least according to my husband. I explained that Jackson and I use the dishwasher every day, and that he really doesn't bother anything a parent might put in there. "Well, I haven't gotten to run the dishwasher yet, " he says so seriously. "It's full of germs right now". I then muttered something about our boy in a bubble as I walked away disgusted.

- I learned that my husband believes that I have trained my cats to feed and water themselves.

-I learned that I have the lofty expectation of my husband NOT spitting his chew out into the bathtub while taking a shower, so that when I immediately fill it to give our son a bath, he is not bathing in tobacco and Daddy's spit.

-My husband learned that there is a local number to the poison control center via Cardinal Glennon Children's Hospital. I learned that this number is located on the very first page of all of our phone books, and that Jackson seems to have a special affinity for ripping out the first page of all of our phone books. We both learned these aforementioned lessons when Chuck turned to wash his hands, leaving his "spit bottle" of Rolling Rock on the couch for thirty seconds...leaving Jackson enough time to ingest the aforementioned spit. (Daddy took Jack to the hospital for some charcoal and apple juice cocktails, as well as clinical observation. Jack is fine.)

- I learned that nothing seems to come between a man and his interests. While waiting for the ER staff to finish observing my son, my husband called to ask if I could call him back in ten minutes. Why, do you ask????? So that I could place the telephone against the speaker on the television, tune into the game, and therefore broadcast it through the speakerphone on his cell so that he would not miss a moment of the fucking Colts game.

- I learned that I still love my husband, regardless of the above, and how moronic and selfish it makes him seem at times.

When Will Mommy Be Back?

Even Hitler Took a Holiday

My husband and I were at war for three days. From Sunday until last night, we were barely even speaking. It was me that kept the whole thing, like some Confederate officer that just wouldn’t throw in the towel. But, yesterday was a good day, and so I made sure that when he arrived home, I would make every opportunity to set the record straight. Last night was the first time in three nights I slept next to my own husband. Damn, that was good. Laying there next to my own personal Adonis for life, as he slumbered on his back, bare-chested, and yummmmmmmmm……


Forgiveness never looked so good!

Martha Stewart is a Lazy Bitch....

Ok, so sue me. It's been more than 24. But, I really have a good excuse! My mother-in-law came to stay with me for three days while my hub was out of town.

Now, to truly understand the impact that this would have not only on my day-to-day life, but especially my tiny psyche, you must understand my mother in law. She is amazing. I say she "makes Martha Stewart look like a lazy bitch with no good ideas". She is the mother of six, and grandmother of 12, with my newest creation on the way and making it a baker's dozen. She can whip up a meal of 6 dishes to feed 30 in about an two hours. The last time she visited, she brought blackberries from her garden. That she grew herself. She brought them here. She taught the kids how to make homemade jam. She made about 40 jars full. For crying out loud! I am NOT making fun of her, or being critical. It's just she is that fucking amazing, and I just can't seem to get enough of her to rub off on me. She is so amazing to the the point that it can be intimidating at times.

A woman, or a MIL like that would have more than enough reason to be condescending and look down on any daughter-in-law, or DIL applicant. Nope. Not her. She is so warm and loving and helpful, it almost makes it worse! Ha!

I was so stressed out about her visit, that after two hours, I pulled her outside and told her what I really thought of her. This was a real dilemma for me, as we have the intimidation factor on my end, plus confrontation in general, and I was combining this with a little-known method of pure honesty. I can't say I am good at any of those things, actually.

The end result is it brought us much closer. At least, I believe so. She told me that she loved me because I take such good care of her son and grandchildren, and the rest of the time she was best friend and inspiration rolled into one.

Emotional honesty is not my strong suit, as I have mentioned. I am great with my kids and my husband, but not so much with friends and other family. I am sure I am not the only one that has this handicap. I just think that maybe I am growing a bit and relaxing with myself. And maybe we should all try to be a bit more loving and vulnerable, starting with those that we know deep down accept us as we are. Puke--- this is getting sappy. Anyway, just wanted to share my week's life lesson.

It's a good thing.