Ooops

Sat outside today with my best friend, sipping water and laughing through the afternoon. Talk about good for your self-esteem! I happened to be wearing my "pregnancy" bikini, and wow...she was full of praise for my pregnant figure! It was so cool to be relished. I did notice, however, that I had gotten a bit of a sunburn on my gigantic breasts and baby tummy. I hope that did not hurt anything. What am I saying? Of course it didn't- woman have not sheltered themselves from a bit of sun simply due to pregnancy. It is not the "delicate condition" as described in the old days. It seems I am often required to remind people that pregnancy is a natural condition, and my body knows what to do. I am sure that I did not just create a child with four arguing heads....

Random Bubbles of Thought from a Pregnant Insomniac

I cannot sleep. Again. I am desperate enough now to put myself to sleep. Not like Old Yeller, but my OB suggested that every once in a while I could take a Benadryl and KO myself. I have only done it 2 times before in the last 7 months, and I am left to wonder which is worse- a small amount of a drug in my system, or another day/night without rest. Which is worse for my son.

Speaking of my son, I am shocked to learn that the cut-off date for "pre-term" labor and "full-term" labor is 37 weeks. I mean, I knew it, but never really thought about it. Until today. I ran out to my husband in a damned panic. "Do YOU think 9 weeks is a long time?" He knew what I was talking about."9 weeks and the baby could be here! Damn. An affair with Mickey Rourke would take at least 9 1/2!" He laughed. And then I was too tired to freak out anymore.

I must confess- I received a most unusual job offer today. It seems that someone I know runs a phone-sex company. They simply dispatch the calls to me, and I slip into character. I just found out, I had no idea that they did this. It seems they were worried how I would react. They actually suggested I do it before they fessed up to their secret income. No reaction from me, but an interesting idea. Should I consider this?

Speaking of advice and commentary, does no one read my blog, or does no one comment on it anymore? Boo-fuckin'-hoo.

And after last night, I am watching the National Weather Service site (rather cool) a little more closely. Last night, the sirens went off and we all packed up the basement with pets and candles, waiting to see how close we would come to dangerous skies. The closest tornado was about 10 miles away, which isn't close, but a tornado can cross that distance in no time at all. We should be getting more interesting weather tonight, and I just found out there was a touch down a mile or so from my hub's family. I heard a meteorologist speaking this morning that HE believes there will be a major burst over the weekend somewhere from Iowa, down to Arkansas, and over to Illinois and Kentucky. Of course he cannot pinpoint anything for sure, and I do not expect a meteorologist to be a gypsy fortune teller anyway.

Must sleep now. Or at least soon. Oh, by the way- here is the latest growth update on my son. As previously mentioned, I am 27 weeks pregnant.

One more thing...as you may have already noted: I am pregnant. "WE" are not. "WE" are expecting a wonderful, healthy, baby boy named Jackson Charles near the end of August. Until my hub suffers through swollen breasts, morning sickness, fat ankles, an expansive waist and ass, labor, hemmoroids, hot flashes, burning nipples, indescribable cravings, heartburn, leaky breasts,Braxton-Hicks contractions, fatigue, insomnia, narcolepsy, a lack of sex drive, nymphomania, labor, delivery, and a sudden love of coconut at 3am, "WE" ARE NOT PREGNANT.

Stupid-Ass News

I have apparently watched all of the pertinent news today, because I have heard some really ridiculous news today. Is there a murder/fire/flood shortage, or something?

For example, I had Headline News on this morning. I know that it's not really news. I call it news for people with Adult ADHD, which, by the way, I do not believe it exists, but I am sure that I have it. Anyway, HLN says that Al-Queda, or perhaps even other unnamed terrorists, are planning an attack. Ummmm...duh. Isn't that what they do, like 24fucking7? What other things do they do? I haven't seen any Al-Queda candystripers lately...maybe they are busy planning another attack! Sources say that they are likely to strike where there is a large congregation of people. Really? That's a unique thought as well. Killing LOTS of people at once!

Channel 5 then reported that "there are currently no plans to change the terror alert level". Why is that news? Does the American public actually tune in, maybe call into work if it looks as though the terror alert level MIGHT change? How many times has it changed without incident in the past year? How many times have we been warned of a "possible attack"? About a billion I believe. But, I think we can all agree another attack will come. This crap is overstated hype of the absurdly obvious.

Reuters has reported that Target will open a store in the Hamptons- somehow this also is news. People there apparently have too much money purchase a Michael Graves toilet scrubber at a reasonable price. Let me tell you something about people who are loaded...they did not get that way buy pissing their money away. Some of the cheapest people I have ever seen coincidently happen to shit money. Example: While working in the "retail beauty" industry several years ago, a woman comes in. Gold and diamond earrings, mani/pedi, diamonds and gold dripping from her neck, and boy you should have seen the rock on her left ring finger. I am also in an "affluent" part of town. Anyway, the lady walks in looking for boxes. Yes, boxes that we would throw out- could she have a few? I'm really sorry ma'am, but our shelves have been restocked, and all of our boxes are in the dumpster. The woman sits and ponders the pros and cons of dumpster diving, right there with me. All I really know at this point is, I want to see it if she does. Well, Kinkos wants $2.50 per box, and UPS is more expensive, blah, blah. Then: she tells me what the box is for. She has 2 kids in (private) college, and she would like to bake them each cookies and ship it to them. Yep, this perfectly manicured diamond-drenched bitch wants to dive in a dumpster for shipping materials (food, at that), rather than throw a five for a fresh, unused, sanitary box.

But, my favorite story of the day is of the bank robber, maybe in Arkansas (?)....whether thee authorities have caught the perp, I do not know, but he is recorded on the security video kissing the cash as the teller gives it to him! That's balls.

Woke Up This Morning and Got Yourself a Gun....

No, I haven't flipped yet. Not completely!

After reading my post yesterday, I realized that I was suffering from "the blues", from all the adjustment I assume...So, I pulled my ass in gear and made promisess to myself about how exactly I wanted this new existence to flow...I woke up and got the daughter ready for school, caught some news, and started on myself. I made sure that my clothes matched, curled my hair, and made sure that my makeup was pristine. If I "let myself go", it's really not going to reinforce in my own mind that I am an important member of the world. So, now I look cute. I grabbed some breakfast with my Dad, and ran a couple of errands with him. It was good.
Then, I went to Best Buy, I wanted a cordless phone with headset like my friend S has, and I had seen a cute little on for $40 a couple of months ago, but never moved on it. I also wanted to get an alarm clock with a CD alarm, and I wanted to buy the Sopranos soundtrack, so I could wake up to "Woke Up this Morning". So, we headed to Best Buy. Turns out, my waiting had worked in my favor. Thank You, Goddess! The phone had been marked to clearance- $25! The Sopranos soundtrack had been reduced to $10! I also picked up the soundtrack to Chicago- so I could listen to "The Cell Block Tango", or as I like to call it, "He had it Comin'". Both of the songs I purchased were about murder, which worried my father. But, "Woke Up This Morning" is the perfect morning song, it just makes you want to get up and move, you know? Every once in a while a song comes along and it's so full of energy, that you could be setting at the deathbed of a loved one, and you would find yourself dancing. It's one of those. Check out the lyrics- better yet, listen hard next time you see yummy-licious Tony Sporano driving in his car. Ummm...I know he's not the typical sexy man, but I do not know of ONE single woman that has watched the show a couple of times and isn't hot for Tony. He could throw me around and feed me pasta anytime. Oh, yeah...the lyrics.

Woke Up This Morning by A3

You woke up this morning
Got yourself a gun,
Mama always said you'd be
The Chosen One.

She said: You're one in a million
You've got to burn to shine,
But you were born under a bad sign,
With a blue moon in your eyes.

You woke up this morning
All the love has gone,
Your Papa never told you
About right and wrong.

But you're looking good, baby,
I believe you're feeling fine,(shame about it),
Born under a bad sign
With a blue moon in your eyes.

You woke up this morning
The world turned upside down,
Thing's ain’t been the same
Since the Blues walked into town.

But you're one in a million
You've got that shotgun shine.
Born under a bad sign,
With a blue moon in your eyes.

When you woke up this morning everything you had was
gone. By half past ten your head was going ding-dong.
Ringing like a bell from your head down to your toes,
like a voice telling you there was something you should
know. Last night you were flying but today you're so low
- ain't it times like these that make you wonder if
you'll ever know the meaning of things as they appear to
the others; wives, mothers, fathers, sisters and
brothers. Don't you wish you didn't function, wish you
didn't think beyond the next paycheck and the next little
drink? Well you do so make up your mind to go on, 'cos
when you woke up this morning everything you had was gone.

When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
Mama said you'd be the Chosen One.

When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
You got yourself a gun.

What in the Hell is Wrong With Me?

It has been 7, count 'em, 7 "workdays" that I have now been a SAHM. I think I am freaking out. Maybe? I don't know. I know that I am not myself. The first couple of days at home- last Mon, Tue, and Wed- I can tell you that I felt sneaky. Sneaky like I wasn't sick, but had called into work anyway. I should have been at work, but I wasn't. In reality, I was not at work becasue I no longer am employed outside of the home. I REFUSE to say that I do not work. That would be a lie.
By Wednesday afternoon, I took my daughter to the library. While she hunted for books on the computer on Ancient Egypt and such, I wandered through the stacks searching for "how to be a stay-at-home-mom" books. I don't know what I was thinking. I also found a great cookbook, so I could try some new recipies for my family. This should have been my first sign that I was losing it...ya think?
Yesterday and today, I feel just simply disgusted, isolated, and unappreciated. My husband has been working late, so I haven't gotten to see him, really, just do stuff for him. But, yesterday morning my back was out. I spent the morning with a stick of icy-hot and a heating pad. I slept it off. Until 1:00! I did the same thing today. Anyone who knows me knows that I am most often found at 6am, dancing around my kitchen nude with a Coke in my hand.
Yesterday was "laundry day", and the ginormous piles I sorted- how did we get so much in one week- it's more than the norm- seemed to leave me unsatisfied. I still have a ton to do, and have yet to even look at it today. I surfed the net for over an hour this morning. Not like me. Oh- and the best part- while going over some dishes, I burst into tears and wept like someone died for a good five minutes, waxing over my unappreciated existance at 6:50 this morning. Why? My daughter had tossed her straw into the sink along with her dirty dishes last night. A reasonable response, no?
Now, both yesterday and today I felt much better once I drank a Red Bull. Now, I am not so gloomy, but still not as motivated as I should be. Laundry, dishes, and masturbation just aren't satisfying my soul. Why is this a fucking surprise to me????
One interesting thing in my SAHM book was a chapter discussing what to say when someone asks what I do (as in work outside the home). I agreed with the book, I will not say I do not work. Ummm, I work, I can tell you that- well, except for yesterday, but it's still early enough to save today! Anyway, Roseanne Barr used the term "Domestic Goddess". I was thinking of something more like "Domesticated Sex Goddess". I thought about "Hummer Dispenser", but that really doesn't grasp all that I do in a day, now does it?
Sure, I often miss my old life. It was easier and self-centered. I just had to worry about my daughter and myself- and always in that order. But, my free time- fuck, I used to have free time!- was spent with disposable men, martinis, dancing, and outrageous laughter. If that was too dull, I could curl up with my roommates and spend hours talking about nothing. I have carefully considered the thought that I wish for that life again. No. Really. I want to be where I am, I just need to figure out how to do it "amy-style". I am waiting to just completely lose it and find myself naked, martini in hand, vacuming the dining room. Adjustment blows.

Speaking of My Lovely Fat Ass

I found this site today, in which a couple of people are collaborating on a book about the bum! I went ahead and participated in the survey for their data collection. Long live my pretty, pretty ass!!!!!! The survey can be found here.

I Suppose Even The Perfect Man Can Be A Dumb-Ass Once In A While

Friday night, my hub came home with a great idea- Let's go to Bandana's for BBQ. Cool. What hard working woman at 7months pregnant could possibly say no?
We were almost through with dinner when I happened to suddenly notice our waitress's ass. It was unusual. It was simply as though she had a nice ass, and then wore another one on top of it. It's wasn't misshapen, or what you would think of as a bubble-butt or ghetto booty; it looked like two equal assed layers....maybe somesort of ass-cake.
I couldn't help but point this out quietly to my hub, and then quickly felt ashamed. "Like I should talk. I should just staple the ribs to my hips." My hub, in a well-meaning effort (?), is lightening-fast to respond. "Well, you have an excuse."
My eyes enlarged to the size of my plate and I stared him down."I have an EXCUSE?" I was about to slit my wrists with my razor-sharp biased cut of garlic bread. Ummm...Do you ever want to have sex again?????? He could sense that he said something wrong. (?Hmmmmm?) He suddenly tried to cover his tracks, although laughing, "Baby, I said, 'Do you want to be excused?'" After tryng a few times to explain to him that this was definately not what he said, I leaned into him, and made it clear.."My dear, my hearing is not as bad as your judgement!"
I am 27 weeks pregnant. I, at my last check about 5 days ago, have gained 14 pounds. My buttocks are a little more plump, but most of my weight is truly in front of me- in my breasts (a full D-cup now) and my dearest baby boy. He alone now weighs about 2 of those pounds. Add even a measly 5 pounds for breasts, additional blood, water weight, placenta, and amniotic fluid (I am sure this must all be more than 5 ponds, but let's just go with it)...if you look at these numbers, I have gained about 7 fat pounds. Now, if we add that to my pre-preggo girth, I would be 132 pounds if I had merely eaten my way through Girl Scout Cookie Season... At 5'6, this would be a little chunky for my frame, but hardly obese.
Yes, I am defensive! You cannot tell an expecting anorexcic-bulimic that she has an EXCUSE TO BE FAT. The important thing for women to remember is no matter how wonderful the man in your life may be- no matter how educated, charming, devoted, or sensitive- men can still be ignorant fools that have no idea why they are in trouble.

Woohoo

...it worked! The new format really makes everything easy to use, even for a girlie-girl like me!!!! Ok, I can blog tomorrow- right now, the Cubs are on (and kicking ass, I might add!)

Testing the new template....

From the Boobtique

at Bust....


"I like to have a martini, Two at the very most, Three I'm under the table, Four I'm under my host!" - Dorothy Parker

How goddamned true!

The Photos, and The Video

Anyone with a news station within earshot knows what I am referring to, and I am not linking anything to this post. I am disgusted, both by Al-Queda and the American people as well. Yes, you heard me. I heard such inflammatory commentary on the way to work this moring as I tried to tune in my radio. I finally blared some Lenny Kravitz...

And before ANYONE has the chance to accuse me of being some hippie-dreamer, let me say clearly that we should DESTROY every Al-Queda member and wanna-be that we can find. Drop the bomb for all I care.

However, IRAQ is a different story. We have very little (if any, and the mess we're in cannot be justified by small after-the-fact victories)reason for being there. We have abused their prisones in the most shameful way. When Americans were discussing their outrage this moring over the horrific beheading plastered on the tele, we has already forgotten the horrific images plastered on the tele by our troops just one day ago. Where was the outrage then? At our troops, sexually assaulting young boys and raping women?

How would YOU like yourself or your daughter to be held my our troops, if they suspected that your brother or son was an Al-Queda member? Not me, not my child. We, too, are savages.

17 Days and Counting...

I am in the midst of day 17. At the end of my blissful countdown, my daughter will be out of school, and I will be a stay-at-home mom---- full-time!

Now, anyone that's known me for at least a year would gasp in shock and amazement that I would even agree to such a thing, much less anticipate this date with glee. My wonderful husband has changed me, that's all I can say.

For example, did you know I can cook now? I made pork-stuffed acorn squash the other night, with dried cranberries and rosemary. mmmmm. Last night, I made my famous gooey butter cake recipe that I found after about 14 years. Woohoo. I have noticed my hub has put on a couple of, both from my pregnancy and my cooking.

Now, I simply want to spend my days taking care of my family and growing this fabulous baby boy. Speaking of growing, wow....my belly is huge. I read that my uterus is now the size of a soccor ball. It feels more like the ReMax balloon to me! I went last week to Target and purchased an XL bikini- navy blue halter with white stitching. No, this wasn't a maternity bikini-- the checker looked at me as though I were buying crack-fortified formula for the baby. And you are damned sure I laid out that day, just me, my dog, my son, and my big-ass-belly! 98% of my weight is breast and belly, so why not? There is nothing gross or repulsive about large breasts, and I don't see why a pregnant belly would be offensive- it's not made of fat, or cellulite, or cheeseburgers.

My husband asked if I would be home on Friday night so he could, "uhhh...go out....uh....have to shop...uh..." Yeah, so I said, "I already know what I want, if that won't offend you...but what were you going to get me? Can I ask?" I already have a guess. It turns out I was way, way wrong. I just turned down a pair of diamond earrings. Monty Hall would spank my ass!!! Turns out I traded it for what I really wanted- a baby pool for the back yard. "I just want a small pol of water in the backyard where I can sit my fat ass down and cool off- like a pig in the mud." He got off soooooooo easy!