A Desperate Plea To The Universe...

I love him. All of my differences and frustrations seem so petty in this light. Please, R, do not leave me. I cannot live this life without you. If you leave, just take me with you. You were the one that was supposed to drink and smoke and have a hooker a day until you were 93. You promised you wouldn't smoke crack until you were 85. I love the Velvet Hammer....please do not die. I will always be your biggest fan. I promised you I would be strong, and take care of everything and hold you if you had to go. I cannot imagine trying to breate without my evil twin. Why couldn't it be me?

Grateful

Big thanks to the gods and goddesses....

-for my mother. She has always been there for me and I may need to lean again soon. What a magnificent mother I have! I hope she truly knows in her hardest of hearts that such eternal devotion is reciprocated. I love her and sing her praises. I hope that I can be such a guiding treasure to my daughter.

-for my daughter. She is the most glorious gift of all! An amazing blend of child-wisdom and curiosity. She has been blessed with humor. I hope this carries her through any struggles. With her strength, I am sure that she will stand tall through her trials, and she will endure with grace!

-for my love, C. He is surely the gift I dared not hope for! He has opened me up to a world of possibilities that I never knew possible- and all of this with boundless patience. The reason I stop and smile, even while filled with my own selfish fear and frustration, is because I finally figured out that we have a love that few people in this world have the joy to experience.

-for the few friends I seem to have left. It seems that somehow, almost married-A is living without many of the friends that single-A used to socialize with. While this social life of mine is in a state of flux, the phone calls and invitations I receive are more precious than ever. Thanks to Aut and S to let me go on and on about my statue-of-liberty escapade the other night! I am making new friends and this situation is resolving itself, but ever so slowly.

-for my new job- I am still loving it, and the other day, (this was a big thing) was the first time I got paid to WRITE something!

-for my neighborhood- I have become soooo comfortable with Clayton, just as I am leaving!

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Spontaneous Thoughts From a Woman Who Misses Her Blog

Ugh. When will I blog again? I hate not having a phone line at my place, but there is no point in installing one now. We'll be gone in a month. Where? Nobody knows!

-My precious daughter started school yesterday. Big-time first-grader, she is. I was NOT allowed to walk her in to her new classroom, and meet her new teacher. Someone, anyone could see that she was with her mom, the very giver of life, and it would be ugh- "so embarrasing". I told her that maybe someone could even see me drop her off. I think at this point she actually asked me to slide down in my seat. I didn't really listen too hard, as I was puddling up by this point. I told her she didn't have to go- she could stay home with me. I could quit my job, we'd go on welfare, and she would end up as dumb as a box of rocks, but at least we'd be together, right? She didn't go for it. Damn. I am probably going to end up volunterring at her shool anyway, so she'll have her fill of embarassment before the year is over. You see, as the divorced, size-six single mother at the Catholic school, I am pretty much the Whore of Babylon to these suburban soccer moms. I thought perhaps if I bacame MORE involved, this would make life better for everyone. I am such a dumb shit.

-Note to my dearest....PLEASE REMOVE THE CUP BEFORE I WASH YOUR JOCK, OK?

-I am going through a major case of baby fever. I don't know what to do with that one. Now is not the time. C and I both know that. However, we are both oh-too-comfortable with the idea that "it could happen". We are looking forward to having a child within the next two years, but we both wanted to take the time to "make a baby". Perhaps that is how I will satisfy my craving. I will simply take a proactive approach, following E's example, and work on getting my body ready for the "baby making". The practice is always the best part, anyway!

-I am still having difficulty with the transition from single goddess to fully-committed goddess. I have been having a rough time with my CFS, and it has taken the wind out of my marital sails. I am not cooking as much as I had planned, but the house isbecoming so homey, and it's always immaculate. The laundry is finished, the animals are fed, the beds are made, the calander is full, the family is organized, and everything is perfect in general. Finding a new place is our next challange. Ugh. Baseball only lasts another week or so, thanks and praise. I love watching him play, don't get me wrong, but it's always a new injury and a late evening. This weekend, we are headed to Indiana, off to baseball playoffs with his best friends. We are taking along a couple from his team here at home, and it should be an entire weeknd of parties and games. This IS another big test, though- the best friend.

Sent From S:

S found this website, found by E, that gave a brief description of me based on my astrological sign...I loved reading it, and thought I would share.

Dancin Shiva
A very special Leo


Dancin Shiva is one of the wisest, smartest, best looking people on the planet. Or so at least she would like to think. It's not that Dancin is vain - more that she is terribly susceptible to flattery. All Leos suffer from this little weakness. That's because, despite what astrologers are always saying about Leos and their confidence, secretly, deep down, they are a little unsure of themselves. This explains Dancin's tendency to be strongly outspoken and extrovert one moment and quietly anxious the next.
Her close friends know all about her tendency towards self doubt. They know what a warm, genuine and generous character she can be, but they also know about her natural sensitivity. Dancin's acquaintances, however, have no such insight. They feel sure that in Dancin, they are dealing with a dynamic, energetic and decisive person who is it would be most unwise to cross.

Dancin is fiery and feisty - she gives the impression of being someone who knows it all. As a matter of fact, whilst she does not know it 'all', she does know quite a lot of it. Dancin is well read, well researched and always well presented. she cuts a dash, she has 'presence.' Heads turn when she enters the room. Dancin Shiva is aware of the impression she makes but not entirely comfortable with it. She knows that people are responding to her big pretence, not her true personality. That's why she so deeply treasures the company of loved ones who are strong enough to see through her façade and respect her for the mere mortal that she actually is.

It's Been Too Long....

since I have blogged. Oh, happy day! It's so good to be at the keyboard. It's so good to be back with B and S, if only for a few moments or hours. Too many damn tales to tell. I need to make sure that I blog more often, because now anything that I have to say is days old, and seems superficial in the distance.

This mnorning, my love and I jumped on the Harley to the Whole Foods Market. Well, jumped is not the right word. He asked me if we could take it. I know he was patiently waited for this moment, when I will clutch onto him, my bosom pressed against his back, and leaning against him with my blonde hair flowing behind me. My image of this is somewhat different. I have been oin a Harley, and it fills me with dread to try again. I look up to see those ravenous blue eyes staring back at me. I sigh in utter defeat..., "I love you. Let's go. It'll be fun." Oh, truer words could have been spoken!

C starts up the Harley, and we adjust our helmets. I swing my leg across the back, and immediately cling to him for dear life. I do not belive we made it half way down the drivewway before I yelled into my helmet. "Oh, my god. I cannot do this." I know I am supposed to lean into every turn, rather lean with the driver. I try and my torso makes a meager attempt to lean about 15 degrees to the left. I am scrunching my eyes and hyperventilating the entire way. This is probably why I do not notice my helmet banging into his every 25 seconds. When we get to the market, I jump off of the metallic monstrosity as soon as possible. I did refrain from kissing the ground in order to spare his feelings. I take off the helmet and exclaim, "Honey, that was great!!!!" I smile as big as my mouth will allow and continue, "And, I will do all the shopping while you go back home and get the truck." He mistakes this for joking. Did it look like I was joking?

Now, in all fairness to C- he is an exceptional handler of this monster. He was safe and cautious. The bike frightened me, not the driver! I told him that I was very dissapointed, that I was afraid and hesitant to do this, but I wanted to conquer my fear and be his "bitch", but that it was against my very constitution. He swears it wasn't so bad, and he is full of confidence that I can make it home. I express such doubt that I can make it another mile on the bike, and at the same time such certainty that my ass will make it back comfortably in a cab. I realize that I am being an utter pain in the ass, but I cannot bring myself to ride. The man hugged me, and returned home to retrieve the truck. The big one. With doors. And seatbelts. When he found me in the market again, I immidiately thanked him for his infinate patience. He said, "It's ok. I realize how hard you tried. You were an AWFUL passanger anyway." Isn't he awesome?

The entire reason I went to WFM is that I am getting sick again. I was out of SolaRay vitamins and supplements, so I had to re-stock. I had switched brands about a month ago, and anything containing a B vitamin smelled so bad, that I could not keep it down. Better to pay the $$$$. Solaray was long ago introduced to me as THE best, and I have never found anything to dispute that. So, after my muti, a b-stress, a multidophilus, and my dong quai, I found a clensing system. I thought I would focus on my liver, and then perhaps move to my colon, (ugh) but I found a system that would do it all. Woohoo. I only ate veggies for lunch, but I was a bad girl and picked up a chai with soy milk- my favorite.

I love my new job- I am a proofreader. I love it! I work mainly with software (banker's) training, but it's a muti-media company, so I often do booklets and videos as well. If you have a question regarding the banking industry, I might be of some help! I only work about four hours a day, but I have more than enough on my plate right now. I need to be healthy, and focus on getting this new life of mine in order. C brought up the first wedding question today, and I didn't even vomit! I am getting better. I was such a commitment-phobe....Of course, anyone that knows me, and is aware of the men I have dated in the last three years, knows why I have become so. Heh.

How to Ruin Your Own Birthday

...in 5 minutes or less. I hate birthdays. Well, just mine. Not yours. I remember a time when they were delightful, filled with cake and cards and dollar bills from old smelly people. As a teenager, my birthdays kicked ass. It was just me and my mom then, and the day was filled with dinner and something totally frivolous. I remember even turning 24 (maybe 23) we went to lunch, and I had a few glasses of wine. We laughed ourselves silly and she took me to see The Replacements, in order to satisfy my Gene Hackman fetish at the time.

Once I became involved with men, my birthdays went straight in the shitter. Usually, my boyfriend did not get me anything. Occasionally, they forgot all together. If I was fortunate enough to receive a present on my natal day, it was something they wanted for me, or it was a gift for someone the sales girl must have been thinking of at the time.

The past five years have especially sucked. My ex husband didn't get me so much as a card. He would purchase something lavish for himself on his birthday, but never for me.

My Disjointed Life

I have a job now that I love. My boss is a scream. A tall-ish, plump woman with a round face that always seems to be smiling. Her voice is high, giggling and chuckling through the hall. I am a proofreader for a software company. I am hoping that perhaps this will turn into something larger. I am rewarded with praise for the errors and bugs I catch, and that is especially gratifying after working at the previous company...."we'll ask more and more, and thank you less and less".

C is ducking into the office today to wrap up a few things and print out his res on some perfect paper. His teammate, B, works at A-B, and in the very department perfect for C's skills. If C were to get a position there, he would be set for life. The bennies alone make it quite an alluring package.

The part of my life that is so distressing right now concerns my bilocation, and perhaps I am being short-sighted and it includes my relationship as well. My cats are here at the house, my email is here, my mail comes here, most of my large posessions are stored here. Stored. Meaning, I am not living here. I am living at the apartment. I race back to the house, to scoop the cat litter and feed the cats. I do not get a chance to talk to B and S. When I drop in, of course, they are busy with their own lives. They do not sit on the couch, wondering when I might bless them with 15 minutes of chatter over a litterbox. I feel like I am losing the life I had. I know that I am, of course, but I simply was not prepared for these changes in my inter-personal relationships. I am niave, I guess. I watched the circle of friends, and I realized that I no longer posessed the secret handshake. I was envious, and my itty-bitty feeling were bruised. Let me stand firm, and state that this is not something that anyone has done TO me. It's simply a situation. I wish that my phone would ring and I would receive invites. I need to make sure to occupy myself at this time with something other than laundry. I need estrogen, and estrogen I shall have! I am so grateful to B and S, I feel as though I have taken advantage, although I have tried to cover every base so that I can assure myself that I am not. I am making sure what little I consume here, I pay for, except for the storage fees they could request. I am under the impression that this will all be resolved within eight weeks, but that seems so long. I owe them immensely, regardless of how often I get to chat with them. I just miss everyone, and I am being a pouty little bitch about it. About this and my birthday, that is. Ugh. That's another story...