Has Hell Frozen Over?

I am sure that most people I know have not read the book I am about to refer to, but you may have heard of it. Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, written by none other but the "diversity-loathing uber Nazi-Christian" Dr. Laura Schlessinger has got my wheels turning.


Now, I agree with the author of the article- men-as they are people, too- have much higher needs than food, water, and sex. But maybe Dr. Laura has a point (CHOKE)...because I don't know of hardly any man that PAYS TOO MUCH ATTENTION to those higher needs. Those big three seem to dominate 99.9% of the time. So, maybe I would be neglecting my man's "higher needs" by following her advice. Here's my question- Will he know? Will he care? Would he be less happy?

One idea found in the text was hard to swallow, no pun intended. I am sure wives everywhere are in an uproar...ready? "Husbands, Schlessinger says, should be of prime importance in marriages and children should not be used as an all-too-common excuse for neglecting them. Nagging, whining and crying are also off the menu. And never say no to sex as it indicates a lack of respect and consideration for the man?s wants." Ok. Deep breath.

Radical idea: I'm gonna try this out for 7-10 days. No one will be more surprised by my husband. I have not felt well for over a week, and we are in the midst of a hellacious argument right now! I'll let you know how it all turns out- the experiment, that is. Wink, wink, nod, nod.

Tomorrow we find out the sex of the baby....vote now....Boy, Girl, or Combo Platter!

Dr. Phil Spanks My Arse

Wouldn't that be a sight? Well, I was being really lazy yesterday. I WANTED to go to the Loop and get another round of damned bubble tea, but no one could go. So, at one point of flipping through the stations like a 6 year old without his Ritalin, I come across Dr. Phil. Yada, yada..."you should ask yourself everyday what you can do for your mate". Damn, that is good.

Bubble tea, anyone?

Hot Sex and Bob Dole

(This will be incredibly brief, as I only have a minute before I have to run)

I told my co-worker today that I was having a Bob Dole Hair Day. When she asked what that was, I explained that today my hair was boring, limp, and there was an ink pen stuck in it! Hey, at least I thought it was funny.

As for the hot sex, guess what the hub and I had time for last night? My goodness! I am considering actually creating a new blog documenting all of our escapades. I am sure that other people in America have an intimate life comperable to ours, however, I still think it's the stuff that dreams are made of. Of course, if I did this, I would publish it oh-so-anonymously. I wouldn't advertise it or anything, but I would like to see the response I could get.

I love good sex. I thrive on it. Since my divorce, I actually had very little bad sex. I had some mediocre sex, and some slightly bland, but I can only think of one partner where I look back and think, "Ugh. What a waste of time. I could have vacumed my car!" So, I feel pretty lucky. I had some really good sex in those three and a half years before my husband, too. I can think of some nights that I will remember even after I am so old I cannot hold my water, and I got to learn a lot. But, now, for me, sex is no longer about learning, it's about sharing. Discovery is always wonderful, but you take too experienced-enough people and place them on the Isle of Discovery, and watch some amazing things happen.

Now girls pay attention: Last night, I had so many intense, extended, melt-together orgasms that I could not stop, and I had to beg the hub to put an end to my ecstasy. How many women out there can relate? I know my mom couldn't, and I can think of a couple of buddies that would have eyes wide open and gaping mouths about now.

It's not that I am bragging, I am merely about to explain my next point: Today I was walking on clouds!!! I walked around work with this dreamy smile on my face, and it seemed to put the wiggle back in my walk. Sensuality is sensuality, and I needed a big jolt to revive me. I wasn't walking a marathon to print errors and fax pages, no, not today. I strolled, grinning and smiling at everyone that dared to pass my swinging hips. Ahhhh...bliss.

Damned Blog

I do not know how to adjust my template. Codes and computers are not my thing, I am better with English; and frankly, I'd rather get a pedicure. If I don't have time for a pedi, then I don't have time to learn how to speek geek. NO offense to my wonderful geek friends, we just differ on this.

However, I am upset because my comments dissapeared, and now my stats are gone, too. Why would these things up and run off? So, bear with me, and maybe I'll regain my former accessories.

And It Shook When She Laughed Like A Bowl Full of Jelly

This belly of mine is getting nifty and big!

So, I am wandering through a store today to pick up domestic goods such a waxed paper- very exciting- and I spot this shirt. At 15 1/2 weeks pregnant, this shirt is definately not made to accomodate my ever growing belly. It's cut too high, it ends about my belly button (or where it used to be!) And then, it's cut low, for some cleavage-peep-age. Now, let's track back to last week.

I visited my mother while wearing a pair of low cut jeans, and a shirt that cut to the top of my belly bulge- (I am still pretty low). So, she says to me, and not in a snooty or offensive manner at all, but obviously puzzled, almost confused...."Ah...is that how they're wearing that these days?"

So, I am on the phone with my mother when I spot bright-red, breast hugging shirt, and I tell her what I am seeing. Should I splurge and blow the six bucks? She again mentions something about "letting my baby belly show and hang out". I laughed so hard. "They did not do that in my day" I said, "Yeah, you just covered yourself up!"

Now, here's my take. I LOVE my belly. Oh, sure I have those moments when I feel like Fat Bastard, but generally speaking, what's not to love?

I was getting undressed last night, and my hub didn't really catch it. He was speaking and suddenly stopped mid-sentence as he turned around. When I asked him what was up, he just stood there..."You're naked.", he finally said. "Wow, you look good!" And then onto his descriptive dirty talk, yah, yah, yah....I asked him, "But isn't it weird for you? My body looks so different, with the baby and all." He said it wasn't weird, I am butiful, and carrying his baby; and he has been very desirous of me throughout the pregnancy. But, you know what? I've only gained six pounds so far. And my belly is supple. My breasts are huge, although green (if you look closely enough. Oh, well, even Captain Kirk liked big green breasts). My belly is free of stretch marks (so far-please, fate...be kind as I butter up my belly every night and drink a gallon of water every day). What is there to not show off?

Btw- I may just try to shun-off maternity clothes altogether. They are NOT sexy. I went into a store recently, and all I could think of was, "don't they have anything a little sluttier?" Not, that I want to look like a cheap, pregnant whore, but hey, I still deserve to look attractive! I wouldn't buy most maternity clothes if I wasn't pregnant. I love the jeans and I am sure shorts will be not be too hard to find, but baggy dresses and shirts? Uh! Everything I find is angelic, matronly, with no cleavage, and lace collars and crap. No way. Guess what, if you can tell I am pregant, you've already figured out I've had sex. I am not a vestal virgin, please don't dress me like one! And also, why don't maternity clothes have cleavage? Ummm, sure I will breastfeed, but these beautiful breasts have not magically turned into feeding mechanisms alone! These are still the funbags that you know and love, they're just bigger!....(and slightly green)

Yes, I bought the shirt.