I Used To Love Him, But I Had To Kill Him

I am having this utterly childish reaction to this blissful state of lust, love, and gratitude. Now, C is an incredible man. Never met any man like him. He is so selfless and generous, and giving and emotionally available- I could go on. He's fucking impressive. I never knew that a man like him existed. Really. But, this isn't about gushing. When I feel sick, he takes care of my every need. He checked my breast lump the other day. He's fixing my brakes. He has made me dinner. He pours out so much generosity with every breath....

So, I am just getting over waitng for the other shoe to drop. And, perhaps this was all prompted by a conversation with Mr. Tripod...but this good feelin' has forced me to look back a bit. Now, in the last year I have learned the true meaning of love, or at least, tweeked my definition....I have loved those two men, yes. Now, why? Jesus- I was asking for so little. And those two still could not rise to my meager expectations. And then, I was made wrong for asking. This has me retroactively pissed, and I know that this is an utterly childish feeling. It's absolutely illogical. I am not literally angry with them, rather I am angry at myself. I spent so much time walking in a daze, or killing time...I don't know. I just did not know that such a thing as this was possible.