Forget Reality

I wanted to share with both of my readers an experience I had last week. My love and I, frustrated with my lack of birth-control pills, decided to try Reality, the female condom (fc), as a change of pace. It seemed like a great idea. This would not restrict his sensation, and it wouldn't really tamper with mine. I also liked the fact that it was made of polyurethane, just like the male counterparts I appreciate so much.

After my darling dear and I get home, we lay on the bed joking and reading the instruction booklet. Yes, booklet. For those unfamiliar, the fc consists of a tube, with both an inner ring, and an outer ring. The trick is to insert the inner ring into the vagina and the outer ring sits externally, partially covering the labia. Ugh. I knew this was not going to be the vulvar fashion statement of the year!

Now, two things in the instructions just made me keel over in a fit of laughter. The first was the notation that the fc can be placed internally up to eight hours before intercourse. Really ?!? I get to walk with this swishy contraption hanging off of my labia for an entire workday? Now, that's hot!!! The second notation reminded the user to remove the condom after intercourse, and before you stand up!!!! I could just see this trail of love through the house- no hide and seek games during afterglow!!!

So, I open the package and C and I stare at the thing laughing hysterically. His eyes get huge, stunned over the monstrosity dubbed the "inner ring". He says, "That thing is HUGE. Honey, I have been there, and that thing will never fit. You are going to hurt yourself!!!" I am cracking up, and I assure him that the ring is bendy and I will figure it out. Other women use diaphragms, so I should be able to do this somehow, right?

I am determined to be a good sport for the sake of his manhood and pleasure, so I ask him to wait while I attempt to insert. I warn him this may take a while. I position myself as recommended by the booklet. By the grace of god, I managed to get it situated in no time at all, and then it happened. I walked down the hall and back toward our bedroom...."schwish, schwish, schwish" I felt like it was so loud as I tiptoed down the hall- as though it would make it quieter....

Not to be deterred, I take a deep breath and enter the room. "Uh, baby..." I say, "This is NOT sexy." It looks as though I have a ziplock baggie popping out. I refuse to give up...I did not go through all that for nothing! So, we manage to get all hot and bothered again and we manage for a few moments. Needless to say, it was not sexy for either of us. We gave it up.....and laughed.

Now, I cannot tell you about the experience from a male perspective.... and I have no idea about the sensational aspect of it all....But, from a female perspective, I can tell you I felt like my love was raping a sandwich baggie, and I was the ziplock warmer/holder. So, ladies....don't go there. It's a nice thought to care about your lover's sensation during safe sex, but you will not enjoy the Reality....; )