Today's Rant: Boys are Sluts...Duh

So this morning, I hop over to Cosmo's website, and my eyes are immediately assaulted with one of the stupidest questions I have ever heard..."How Do I Initiate Sex? My boyfriend wants me to initiate sex, but for some reason I can't. How can I overcome this insecurity and just jump on him?"

Well, sporto...pull up a chair. Let's just take the last week. How have I initiated sex? Hmmmm....iron while you are wearing something scandalous, suggest trying the new female condom- bad idea, but a great story for later- , rip off your clothes in front of him once you hit the door- hell, while you are there, rip his off, too (in case he's slow to catch on). Now, all of these techniques are sure fire ways to get the balls rolling. (heh)

The truth is, and yes, I love my men, but men are easily seduced. I always start with "My name is _____." Ok, so a few of them are not that easy, but really. Men are visual creatures. Remember my men and pornography rant? Yes...Give them a feast for the eyes. I am not only talking about skin here. Let him watch you suck on an ice cube....lick your fingers and let him do the same over some cookie dough...walk around naked, or even in a towel. Sometimes, it's what you do not show that captures the man's attention.

If you really want to drive a man nuts, try a new persona in the boudior....if you are normally quiet, get loud....if you are normally timid, throw him around a bit....Of course for me, the new persona would be a panty-wearing, ice-tea sipping wallflower, but hey......you never know what will do the trick. As my good friend just reminded me, you may feel nervous or awkward at first, especially if you are not drinking. But once you see the indestructible erection you have created, you will throw caution to the wind.

If you are too shy to actually do anything in that realm, try adding sex to your conversation. While you are sitting in the car, lean over and remind him of how you loved the feel of him inside you the last time you were together. Take a moment and tell him all of the details that make his member so unique and nifty. You don't know of any? Then, you need to spend some time down there having a penile-appreciation day! They all vary; and like snowflakes, no two are alike. ( and they SHOULD last for more than two seconds on your tongue!)

The truth is, almost anything works. Erections are easy to come by. unless you are Bob Dole. You can create one while doing the dishes- just grind against him for a moment when Mr. Man stops in to grab a beer. Voila! You can make one over the phone- call him at the office and tell him a really dirty fantasy (and hang up quickly).

Ladies- you are the lego-masters of erections! You build them, you play with them, and you can do this at your will. Isn't that a fun and fabulous power ?!? Like all superpowers, please remember that it comes with the weight of responsibility. Please do not abuse your erectile priviledges.

This rant turned into about 5 different rants...I must apologize. I will probably pick these points off one-by-one for rants in the future. In the meantime kiddos, just remember......boys are sluts. we should take our turn and chase them around the house. erections are easy to make, unless you are bob dole, and you should always use your powers for good, not evil. Now, you should all go out and practice everything you learned here today. Unless you are a heterosexual man....then you should wait and hope.