So, it's been about a week since I got the "big news"....First of all, my roomates and my family have all rallied around me, and for that I am so grateful. I have had more fun in the last two weeks than I have had in the last couple of months. I am so grateful. By yesterday, everytime someone cracked a joke, I winced as my belly has gotten sore from laughing so much. Not what you would expect, eh?

I received good news the other day- my appt. has been bumped up to Friday, so hopefully we will see what fate has in store for me that much sooner. My brother will go with me. I do not know why I have allowed him to go- he is not good at coping with stress. My mother and father both want to go, but as I told them- I am positive that we will not make any new discoveries, and there is no reson to come down. My brother, since he has gotten sober, has been a god-given dream. He is no longer selfish and petty- in fact he has been my saviour through this time. He takes me out every night that we are together, most often to The Grind. I find myself resting up to go grab a cup of late-night java and laugh my ass off all night. I get tired, and he drives me home, where I read. Cureently, I am reading Devil in the White City. Very captivating.

I have encountered a few bumps in the road. The only two men that I have ever loved in my life have picked up and walked out- one on a relationship, the other in what I thought was a permenent friendship. Ugh. In one respect, this is sickens me. This is the "worst" time in my life. I am unable to work, to play with my daughter, go to the zoo, live a normal ife in general...On the other hand- go now. Obviously these gents are not worth the worry. I have had one other friend bail in the last few days, and I was somehow surprised at this as well. It's left me a little delicate in the trust department....I went and had lunch with my oh-so-luscious lawyer friend the other day, and I explained to him that in my current condition that there are times when I feel weak and clingy. I wish that I had found love in my life and there would be someone to tell me that everything would be alright. And then I began laughing hysterically, "Then I think of the men that have been in my life, and boy, they would have really fucked this up!" We laughed and laughed over a Petit Syrah and began working on my will. Morbid, but hilarious.

Enter my new buddy, A. Now, he and I first met about 7 years ago, although we can barely remember each other. We bumped into each other, re-introduced by my brother, and instantly fell into this comfortable wavelength. We sit at The Grind whenever we can, just somehow knowing the other will be there, and we laugh all night. We have freely admitted an attraction to each other, and have discussed all of the million reasons why we are NOT going to see each other right now. It must be rather funny to watch the two of us, playing content with our growing friendship- which is real in and of itself- yet, there is an undeniable undercurrent. We simply dance around this, staring each other down, and verbally sparring until the wee hours of the morning. One of the things that I admire so much about A is that we met, we had some fun, and then my doc told me what she thought, and I told him...and it did not matter. He sat me down the other night to inform me that we would stop firing on me, as it was disrespectful to place me in that position while I have all of this going on, but beyond that nothing has changed. Nice.

As far as the next few days go, I wait. I feel my back knotting up as the days get closer. I simply need to remember to laugh as I have been doing. I am rather grateful for this experience. I know who my true friends are, and I will miss the ones that are not. Must get to the MadMan now.