So, here I sit. My entire life has changed in the last month, and I am sitting in the rubble, wondering how it all happened. Actually, it's not rubble. It's just that I am starting over. Again. Sigh. Actually, that sigh is merely a lack of energy, not a lack of optimism.

I checked myself into the hospital yesterday; doctor's orders. It was a major fiasco.

First of all- it was my daughter's birthday. I was to pick her up for my usual 4 days with her, and begin the celebrations at once! No, I am too weak to stand without shaking. I bawl my eyes out over being such a terrible mother, and enter the hospital. My daughter, ironically, takes the news better than I did. Once I pulled myself together, I called her to explain, and I swore that I would make this up to her the moment I was out of the hospital. She actually says to me in a mommy tone of voice, "No. No- you are not making it up to me. It's okay. YOU are sicker than....than a dog, mommy...". I laughed sooo hard. She is the greatest joy I could ever know.

They finally figured out what was wrong with me. I got the news 24 hours after my admit- I have the cruise ship virus. Woohoo. That was fun! I became too dehydrated, and my body no longer had the capacity to fight it off. I have lost five pounds so far, but most of that seems to be "pooch". Considering I was cat-called and propositioned as I attempted to enter the FIRST hospital I was supposed to check into, I don't feel like I am too emaciated. Heh.

So, then I am getting released and have a fabulous talk with my PCP. She is GREAT! I tell her about my last month- my dad is a nut- so I moved to remove that chaotic variable, but then I had a new earlier schedule, and midterms, and my dad disowned me over nothing, and the man I thought was so right for me left me a few days ago, and I can't hold down food, and I have missed classes, and I am struggling to tranfer to SLU, and I missed my daughter's birthday, and my job will probably try to fire me over this, AND...AND...AND...heh. The woman sat there and patted my hand, and then did something that I would have never anticipated. She leaned over and kissed me slowly, full on my sensual mouth. Just wanted to see if you were still here. No, she personally helped me. She told me to find a new job- start looking now. She told me of a nursing program I had never heard of before- where to go, who to talk to, what the scoop was, how highly these graduates were recommended and quickly hired by St. Joseph's- my favorite hospital. She is going to make sure that I receive time off from work without penalty, and probably with pay. She made me promise that I would let her know how it was going. My god! I have never heard of a doctor like that- certainly not in this day and age. I feel great!

I had plenty of time to think in the hospital. I realized that I had carved this path for myself, and the same stubborn, tough attitude that was getting me through the day-to-day, was the same thing that would not allow me to see that none of these things in my life were really working for me. My father always taught me that you simply did what you had to do. It would be incredibly difficult, and certainly not fun. I think he was wrong. There is no reason that just because I have it a little harder, that I cannot enjoy the ride. That's what my mother keeps telling me, especially when it comes to JP- "Just enjoy the ride, baby".

I feel like I was headed in the right direction, but not on the right course. I believe that Shiva picked me up in that oh-so-tumultuous- and-often-painful-way, and said, "Eh...Just a little to the left, dear. Now, there you go." Instead of laying in the rubble and wallowing, I see that this is not rubble. I feel so blessed and grateful. A little weak and bruised, but undeniably happy. I have opportunities at my door that were always waiting, but I did not see.

So, now, I must prioritize and get to work!

One quick note: it's personal and cryptic: B: It was so good to see your face at the waiting room, and so comforting to wake up last night and just hear you typing. Thanks for making me feel protected. S:There is no way I could ever list all that you have done for me, not in the last week, and certainly not ever. Thanks for letting me be "the cryin'est woman you ever saw", the Amy clothes at the hospital, the snobby coffee fix, and for being the treasure that you are- I want to be you. R: Thanks for the laughs. No one makes me laugh like that but you. C,P, and K: Thanks for all the light and support. I haven't gotten to speak with you all yet, but let's just say that I felt it in my gut. Heh. M:Thanks for talking so much.Your problems took me away from my own. I hope I help, or at least make you laugh. NBB: I know you don't know this, but hearing your voice for five minutes makes me feel so sensual and I smile like an idiot all day. Thanks for the fix. JP: Thaks for looking so goddamn devilishly handsome when you pooked your head around my curtain! You gave my 80-year-old roomate a hot flash! Thanks for holding my hand and waiting for me to come around. You are certainly a gift- and I am anticipating unwrapping you when the time is right. Thanks for understanding my need for time. D:Last, but not least. I am glad you are back in my life, although disembodied. I have missed you and I appreciate all of your endless support in the last two weeks. I love you too, and next time, I will heed your wise words and "Open my shirt"!