Bummer, Dude...

Yesterday, after watching my brother toss his flowers on top of my grandfather's casket, I returned to my mothers house- drained and depleted. Actually, I didn't make it that far before I dropped. Oh well. I finally received a bit of news on my bloodwork. It's not great. In short, it seems that my adrenal glands are overworked. The reason that they are overworked is that there is probably a small benign (we hope) tumor on my pituitary gland. The super-duper cure for all of this is brain surgery through my face. Schweet! You know, I was never the type to just break a fucking leg, or get a bee sting. Oh, no! Too easy. If I cannot have the surgery, I get radiation. Woohoo. Hans Weiman, anyone? Heh.

Now, this was a crushing blow for an hour or two. It did not help at all that my doc mentioned that her friend just died of this. Thanks! I sat and sobbed with my mother for a while, while she made promises of not allowing me to die, and taking care of me. I did not care to mention to her in her equally fragile state that this was NOT the thing to say to "Little Miss Independent". Well, Simba- I am not afraid of dying for my own sake. I am afraid for my parents, and for my child. Death itself doesn't shake me in regards to my "final adventure". I'll be back, you can take that to the bank. Actually, I do not believe that I am about to die. It's just I have a higher probability of it happening now. Heh. Not to be a dramarama queen, but you cannot utter the words 'brain, tumor, surgery, and died a few moths ago' and ask me not to examine my own mortality. I now need to consider a living will, a last will, diability, caretaking...it sucks. However, I have much to say to all of you....

I believe that I will, in the end, be alright. However, no need to continue living like my life is a comfortable promise of longevity. I do not know- I mean, none of us are guranteed another day, but it all looks a little different to me today. One way or another, I am going to get some elusive wisdom out of all of this chaos and uncertainty. Everyone that I have personally spoken to about the doctor's recent findings has had one of two reactions- "you are going to be fine. don't worry- no need to get excited" or "Oh, my god. I am so sorry." I think that the "Don't get excited" people are really the "Oh, my God" people, and they just cannot find any other words.

Regardless of the outcome, if this is an end of a cycle, or the beginning of a new one, I am determined to laugh!