Denial

...as Martha would say, "It's a good thing." I may have mentioned earlier- much earlier- in my blog that I have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. This usually strikes white, thirty-something workaholics. Or, so I read somewhere....no idea where...

Anyway, I generally live my life in utter denial of this diagnosis. It's a BS diagnosis. I am sure I am lacking some essential minute mineral, or trace element, but CFS sounds better from a doc's point of view, than "We have no idea." I will not give into this role, because it's not something like cancer or cystic fibrosis. I'm just literally "fatigued". Not really something to whine about. Except today. My personal complicating factor is insomnia. Haven't gotten many good nights of sleep in the last four years. Generally, I just get up and move on. But, I have been without sleep meds for almost eight months, and I just cannot go anymore. Maybe I am just being lazy and hoping I'm at the end of the race. I have an appt with my doc this afternoon.He has no reservations in prescribing meds, and I need something. I am a few hours away from a script, or so I believe and I am utterly beat.
The truth is, I hate excuses. I hate excuses from other people, and I do not accept them in myself. We all have circumstances and obstacles, but excuses are merely weak justifications to ourselves and others. I haven't had a bad day-- I vacuumed the floors, did the dishes, ran a load of laundry, took care of the dog, fed my boys and dressed them. I just am not the type of person to sit on my arse. It's not in my nature. I love to knit, for example...you know how much I have knitted in the last three days? I can tell you precisely- 82 stitches. There is always so much to do. There is always someone that needs something. People use that very fact as a reason to procrastinate, "It'll be there, it's not going anywhere." I just refuse to justify the never ending tasks of life as a reason to sit back and allow my family to roll around in our own filth.
But, I need some space to be good to myself, and I may just take an hour to finish all that I absolutely MUST do today, and I will sit back. Make a wish for me please- I need good sleep. No dreams, no nightmares, no middle of the night roaming, just deep, hard sex...I mean, sleep!